But one thing I am annoyed about is this little, arrogant, slimey, creepy man. What a wanker. I've never really disliked him in the past, but I lost any little piece of respect I had for him after his annoying little runs and celebrations down the touchline on Saturday. The only times I've ever really felt so infuriated with an opposing member of the backroom staff was when Mourinho started shaking hands of his fellow staff members before the final whistle of a game against Arsenal, and the time when Brian Kidd ran onto the pitch and jumped on his knees when Man U won the Premiership all those years back. What an arselicking, useless prick he was.

Anyway, it's not all doom and gloom. This will cheer you up.

Any sign of hairs outgrowing my ears and they would all gather into a pack of hounds that has find its new prey. It would start with the usual, “Poor chap seems busy, so much of office work, doesn’t get time for even a haircut” Brick by brick it would lead to, “Want to keep long hair, hmm…going fashionable?” Even before you can react to that, you are being called by names ranging from Zulfi to Hairdo to Girly. I remember one of my favorites. It was when Tera Naam released and my hairs were around five months old. One of my colleague started calling me Aashiq or something similar; and soon every other guy followed suit.

When the near and dear ditch you, why to lament of the strangers. It might be bitter but the truth is that the strongest resistance comes from the family. Leave aside parents who were supposed to react so, even the Bua’s, Mami’s and Mausi’s make your life miserable. At first you try to laugh it off, later you try to dish out witty excuses. After some time you start dreading the family functions, where a bunch of deadly faces, salivating to the full, is waiting to devour you. One may reason that our society is a closed knit family...blah blah blah. I agree but why my poor hairs!!!

Recently when I was at home, fresh from college, all hell broke loose. It took some time for my parents to recognize me at station (or so they said). I don’t remember even a single relative who had not pricked me. High point came when I finally decided to go under the hammer. I was standing at paan bhandar near my ancestral house. The shopkeeper asked, “You seem like Shiv Bhaiyya’s son”. I nodded, “Yes, why?” His reply struck me really hard. “Nothing, I saw you last week. Wondered, what is Shiv Bhaiyya’s son doing roaming in a ponytail?” Earlier they were after me to get a cut. Now they have a new weapon ready, “Now that you have heeded to the advice, you look like a man”.

What's even more unbelievable however is how little reaction such an obscene event is causing amongst the western press. The BBC prides itself on being a fair reporter of events, yet still falters around shaming Israel for what legal, moral and philisophical wrongs they commit on a daily basis. Instead, the only controversy in the story is reserved for the banning of The Beatles from the country in the 1960s for fear they might corrupt the nation's youth. Such a ridiculous notion has now thankfully been dismissed, but an even more fearful corruption is happening. The realisation of the truth behind the horror stories in the West Bank and Gaza Strip, where a 21st century apartheid is shamefully accepted, is now under threat.  This is a truth shrouded behind PR stunts and a west-embracing attitude that seeks to dismiss past failures to recognise pop culture and portray an image that can't help but be appreciated by the common man. It's a disgrace and the shame of a nation, and McCartney should be smart enough to say no. I just wish John Lennon was here to have a chat with his old friend.

The demands on the high flying DJs who ply the international club circuit, jetting from one part of the world to the next to lay down their critically cool grooves and often their very own ‘tunes’ are many. It’s a world of high-tech decks and fast-developing sound equipment, computerisation, complex mixes as well as mastering the complexities of the studio and broadcast environment.

We caught up with Birmingham’s hot spinner DJ Grunge Divot here in town to play Club SloBlo and he graciously agreed to an interview telling us about the life of a DJ…from the inside.

You must have studied hard to master the art of DJ-ing.

Well yeah…I had 2 ‘O’ Levels and I was a butcher’s clerk for three years. Then I did three years inside for ‘naughty bits’ and the combination of tallying raw meat and time in the slammer was enough for me to realise that a career as a DJ certainly beat dishwashing, although a tad less technical. Free again and with my Social Security dosh, I walked the high street for hours trying to find the right decks and with the sage advice of my cousin Rodney chose my first ‘rig’. Then with hours of  practice in my council house bedroom under my belt, I pretended I was head DJ at the local community centre and then played my local boozer nightly for free for seventeen years. Looking back, those were the tough years.

How about the physical side? 

Well I’ve been lucky as I am an ugly bastard and very few chicks want a shagging from me. They call me The Zitmeister and I gather that’s a term of endearment in the DJ world - a close-knit community where we try desperately to steal each other’s gigs and trash our competitor’s CD stash.   

I meant the physical side of DJ-ing?

Oh yeah…err…it’s exhausting racking your brain about which jeans to wear every night and should you put ketchup on your toast? Then the actual spinning of the discs is frightening ‘cause if you get the wrong cue, you might play something the punters like and then your reputation is trashed in a heartbeat. And actually carrying all those thumb-drives to gigs with millions of tracks no-one will ever hear is really stressful….and a typical gig means I may play as many as 50 tracks of shit music I hate, and you can imagine how stressful that is. Even getting paid in cash can be exhausting carrying all those used notes to the nearest Bangkok girly bar where I am deeply loved for myself.  

And the secret of getting punters up and vibing to your grooves?

Well that’s mainly down to the supply of good blow and Ecstasy. There is so much we can do of course such as playing interesting music that gets them up and dancing and grabbing at my bollocks in their excitement. We can also get abusive through the mike and that and tell the ones not dancing what pathetic prats they are. My personal favourite is paying the bouncers to lock all the exits and then I announce that there’s a major fire underway. Works every time!

Isn’t that illegal?

It’s not…is it?

You must have met many famous people on your travels…

Well….yeah!

Is there anyone who most impressed you?

Yeah well…meeting Posh Spice was pretty overwhelming. I could hardly keep up with her as she ran for her car. Her boyfriend is some football geezer who nutted me as I tried to touch her ass for her…err…autograph. I saw him on the telly next night and God knows what she sees in him…never even scored during the match I saw. Comes across as a bit of a retard actually - nutting me like that in public. David Backward I call ‘im.   

Anyone else?

Well I did meet Mahatma Gandi at Bombay Airport one time. He was in the Business Class lounge with some other Indians and I sat next to him after the serving girl told me who he was. I asked Gandhi what he thought of western civilization and he replied, ''I think it would be a good idea.'' Everybody laughed but I didn’t get it…so I nutted him! In fact I am not very lucky when it comes to meeting people from the east. An Afghanistani once nutted me at another airport when I told him the reason the Taliban are not circumcised is because it gives them a place to put their bubblegum during a sandstorm! He was not amused and had to be carried away screaming. Maybe he’s not a Drums N Bass fan!

Other famous encounters?

Well I must be the only guy who ever nutted Paris Hilton!

You head-butted Paris Hilton?

I was working in a scabby Hollywood bar when Paris Hilton comes up to me and seductively signals that I should bring my face close to hers. Then she begins to gently caress my beard which was then full and bushy.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking my face with both hands.

"Actually, no," I replies.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she asks, running her hands up beyond my beard and into my hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," I gasped, obviously getting a bit aroused.

"Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes there is,” she says. “I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into my mouth and allowing me to suck them gently. "Tell him," she says "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies’ toilet."

Needless to say I gave her a right effin’ nutting!

Has being a DJ changed your life in any way?

Well…..yeah!

Err…in what way specifically?

Well not specifically and that…but I have developed a fairly profound love of music and stuff…like records and music and my Walkman and stuff. I never used to like music much before I started out as a DJ. I always wanted to be a stalker ‘cause I fancied Martina Navratilova, the gorgeous tennis chick. Then I made the headlines in The Sun once when I got caught by the cops stealing women’s knickers off of neighbour’s washing lines.

I was really proud of that newspaper headline: ‘Nick The Knicker Knocker Nicked’.

Next...hmm...either we're all MUCH more perceptive than everyone else here. Or we're total pricks ourselves. Almost everyone seems to love the prick-who-must-not-be-named. Although I think it has something to do with the whole 'Paki Boys Network'. Sadly, since I've never felt like I've been one of that club, I can't relate to it at all. But yeah...the 'poll' reveals that approximately 90% of the people think he's doing a fantastic job despite the fact that he talks down to them like they're little kids. Yeah...they do notice that. I dunno...maybe I'm too proud but that in itself would piss me off to a great degree.

Btw, this 'poll' was conducted through the questioning of 5 people. I think that's a fair number considering the total number of people dealing with him. Coming soon: the much-awaited religious inclinations of the people in the office. I think I've got most of the people pegged. Will get the remaining covered soon enough. Well, except Brainless...just don't give a damn what her inclination is.

SOURCE

Anyone want to do an over/under on how long it takes AP to correct? We're at 11 hours and counting ...

"His top contenders are said to include Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty and former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney. Less traditional choices mentioned include former Pennsylvania Gov. Tom Ridge, an abortion-rights supporter, and Connecticut Sen. Joe Lieberman, the Democratic vice presidential prick in 2000 who now is an independent."

-Marc-

Ok fine since you took all the trouble to come here I have kept my promise.

Take a look at the next picture.

]]> http://noscere.wordpress.com/?p=742 Sat, 09 Aug 2008 16:55:33 +0000 Noscere http://noscere.de.wordpress.com/2008/08/09/2008-olympics/ OK so the Olympics officially started yesterday and in time old fashion Nosceres World has jumped on the band wagon to sing the praises of a tradition as old as time its self were athletes from all over the world come together to pit their strength against each other in a country picked out amongst hundreds of countries known for their fairness and impartially... Oh crap. Guess the Olympic committees kind of ballsed things up a tad this year, as the Olympic games are held in a country known for its suppression of individual thought and those who dare to have a faith. But dont think for a moment that this years host country is going to stop the protests over their blatant infringements of human rights especially over the past twelve month, they have set aside a place for those who dare have an opinion were they can protest their little hearts out... As long as you have the relevant paper work which gives you permission to do this, which can be requested in writing and given to the local police farce I believe. There will be no protests now that the Olympics have started and the worlds media is watching.. All the protesters have been removed, how? I dont know but they have. The Tibetans are nowhere to be seen .. Crap I said something about the Freedom and independence of Tabet in a post.. Ah its Ok I am in England were we are able to have an opinion.

As you might have guessed this is one person who wont be watching the Olympic games, though i will be singing the praises of those who do manage to cast a shadow over the games this year. I would rather be watching back to back episodes of Big Brother which leads me nicely to Rex.. Come on as Dale rightly said this guy is a prick, Lets get him out of the BB house, I for one can no longer stand him and how he thinks he is better than everyone else. Remember I Told You!

The second book from journalist Cole Coonce, Come Down from the Hills & Make my Baby, is a semi-autobiographical tale of a band obsessed with drag racing, drag queens and the apocalyptic downfall of the entertainment industry. The first person narrative chronicles the struggles of the Braindead Soundmachine, a disco punk metal band from L.A. that creates artsy noise with guitars, keyboards, and a revolving door of drum machines and whacked out female singers. The band ends up being sponsored by a drag racing pit crew, befriending a down-and-out filmmaker, hiring a manager with one eyebrow, finding spiritual guidance in a Japanese transvestite, and touring with a German industrial band called DMFDM. Throw in a little drug abuse, infidelity, cowboy hats, and technical difficulties and you've got a volatile band on the brink of self-destruction. This angst-filled tale is like a beat novel for today's disgruntled youth. -Jonathan Williams, February 2005 Prick Magazine.

A judge has ordered a 19-year-old man to write an apology to the city of Saratoga Springs in New York for dressing in a penis constume at a high school graduation.

Nothing was done to all the othere pricks who were there though.

 As you have probably guessed by my lack of introduction to these benders, that I don't personally care too much for them. To be honest, I think it's just 118 in general, but these being the ugly faces of 118, they get the brunt of my wrath.

 For the many lucky bastards who are unaware of 118, here's a brief guide.

118 118 is a UK directory enquiries provider assisting customers with telephone numbers and information.

In the UK we all had ONE number to call to get the information we needed. 192 was a service provided by British Telecom and it worked. Full stop.

118 charges us 40p a minute, then offer the service of connecting us to the required number, failing to tell us they are gonna still charge us at THEIR rate of 40p a minute. The cheeky fucking bastards. So not only do they look like mincy faggots, they like to rape peoples bums. Disgusting.

 Working in bars for a large stretch of my working life, I was often met with stag/hen parties. As obnoxious and just blatantly horrible little cunts that some of them were, I never had the feeling to take a pint glass and insert it into someones eye more that when I had to serve people dressed as those anoying bastards. What is so cool about dressing up like a pervert?

 So to end quickly, 118 can just fuck off.

The minimum wage in the UK doesn't discriminate against gender lines, if you are under-skilled or just unlucky, it doesn't matter whether you are a chick, a prick or a chick with a dick because you are still going to earn exactly the same crappy hourly rate as your counterparts.

Buckminster Futt said:
June 22, 2008 at 12:52 am e

As a card carrying member of the “old fart” contingent, I think that someone should help clarify a few things for you.

To begin with, your understanding of the network and the technology is very similar to my dog’s understanding of dog food technology.
Like you, she’s a real connoisseur - a subject matter expert of dog food.

She even understands dog food comes outta cans and when she sees you holding a can opener she knows that dog food will soon appear in her dish. What she doesn’t understand and never will is how the can was made and how the dog food ended up there.

You need to realize your knowledge and understanding of the Internet is on about the same level of depth..

Do you know why people with a room temperature IQ always seem to be bloggers?

Where are the normal folks with the average three digit intelligence test scores?

The answer is that blog technology is so idiot simple that even someone such as you with obvious signs of brain damage, could still publish his less than brilliant thoughts on the web.

We all realize now that giving this web technology to individuals such as you was a very bad idea, comparable in magnitude to allowing the early AOL subscribers to roam freely about the Internet.

You are a poster boy example of the knuckle dragging individuals that seem so prevalent in the blogger communities.

Through lots of repetition your verbal skills allow you to use some pretty big words and to correctly construct a few sentences.

Unfortunately that verbal ability doesn’t improve the low the semantic content I’m curious, do you honestly believe that the sort of opinions you publish actual matter to anyone?

Dude, at some point ya just gotta to face the fact that you are so far down on the evolutionary ladder that you can’t even begin to comprehend just how totally lame you actually are. I’m afraid we’re talking like about two below plant life.

Sorry, but a family member or someone should of made your situation clear to you long before you started criticising your teachers and showing your lack of respect for us “old farts”.

I sincere hope my comments and observations didn’t hurt your feelings or damage that fragile ego of yours.

best regards,

buck futt

REBUTTAL TIME!!!!!!!

Point A: That's a smart dog and you should be damn appreciative of a pup with a sense of awareness like that. She's displaying a higher plane of intelligence that you couldn't ever possibly conceive so I'd hang on to the mutt if I were you she just might teach... an old dog a new trick.

Point B: Um, what proof do you have of my lack of Wikipedia's infrastructure? Are you tossing out any facts to counter mine? Any references, links, maybe credentials besides admitting to being of the prick variety? Oh I meant "old-fart", actually screw it I mean both. So until you can support your outlandish accusations with some viable proof, we're not on the same boat sir. No scrap that I'm dining with the captain and you're still scrubbing 'gull feces off the deck.

Point C: Don't insult people's intelligence. Could anyone strive to be any lower than to go into someone's blog and openly disrespect the intelligence of its contributors along with the intelligence of said blog's readers. You know what it doesn't even apply to just blogging it's a thing called "common courtesy" apparently you missed out on that little life lesson during your prick upbringing. I just really want to know is this how you raise your kids, are these the virtues you're bestowing upon them? It's a damn shame.

Point D: Blog technology is simple? That's a given, I want to take the time right now to openly thank the technical staff at Wordpress.com for giving us this wonderful user-friendly gift which has helped us here at Suburban Connoisseurs in our beginning stages. Technology made so simple to appeal to all demographics including older individuals like our friend here, Buckminster Futt.

Point E: I'd love to see some of your thoughts, I'd like to take a gander at what a REAL blog is supposed to look like? Um, how about a sample article from yours maybe? Something straight from the horse's ass? Oh what's that? You DON'T have one? I guess you're just too busy conceiving calculated insults for every blog you stumble upon and feeding your doggy. You know what let's check out the definition of a blog

Webster's New Millennium™ Dictionary of English - Cite This Source - Share This

So apparently the "knuckle-dragging" type of bloggers are pretty much every blogger in the known universe, well according to your outlook. Which is by the way a mighty bleak one I might add, oh and yeah that definition is from www.dictionary.com. I mean maybe I'm not fully comprehending the level of techinicaly difficulty associated with dictionary.com so if you'd like you can write another social commentary on my misconstrued understanding of dictionary.com go ahead we have plenty of comment space.

Point F: I'm sorry if using a couple nice vocabulary words makes me seem like an haughty ass but in reality that's what you would call, "WRITING". It's a way of showing readers that you're not just a monkey on a typewriter, that you have a writing style and a writing voice. That's how authors obtain devoted readers, and bloggers obtain devoted subscribers. I mean I apologize if the "hardness level" (is that the term they use in elementary school libraries now? I just want to make sure he understands is all ya know?) is a bit of a quantum leap for your mind to comprehend. I know it's tough you must have been popping the thesaurus and dictionary nonstop for every other word and I apologize if you ruined your desktop as your laid upon your keyboard, brow contorted in frustration, as the tears flowed freely upon your newly emerging beer belly. But hey, like the little engine that could if you think you can, ya can do it!

Point G: Oh boy the ol' "evolutionary ladder" insult. The oldest most overused trick in the prick's bag of abuse. I mean you didn't even use it properly! I'm two steps below the evolutionary ladder and all of a sudden I'm plant life? C'mon! Were you to busy flunking intensive reading to pay attention during biology? Two rungs would be what? Homo Erectus, maybe homo neanderthalus? Either way according to Geico auto insurance cavemen seem perfectly capable of functioning as respectable members of society. (That was sarcasm by the way, just want to help you along since you have a pretty hard time of identifying it)

Point H: I just showed my family and friends your comment and after a few meetings, a congressional hearing or two they whole-heartedly decided that yes, you are indeed a prick.

Point I: My ego has ballooned exponentially, why? Because I have a hater and according to Katt Williams...

I'm a goddamn success.

Conclusion: But I realize that this whole entire counter-argument is pointless because it's directed at you, an "old-fart/pseudo-smartass/prick" the one group of people that my Wikipedia article was aimed at. Somewhat shameful on my part because me reacting would initiate a "win" for you. But I take solace in the fact that although you distaste our blog, every single young, open-minded and mature individual you know, loves us. I reckon your dog is probably on the other computer enjoying herself with Mr. Mueller's latest Star Wars short-story. Why don't you go ahead and get her some dog food. I'm sure she enjoys the sense of superiority she gets seeing you summon food for her and not how it was made, because really who the "futt" cares?

-Will L.