The book is a fiction story by Richard Bach, one of the great writers, world has ever produced. The first time I read the book, it started a thought process in me; it made me think beyond my life style, my daily routines. It made me think the purpose of this life. It made me realize that there is so much to live, so much to find, so much to explore. The book added lots of efficacious and dynamic words in my vocabulary. Some of them being:

Experiment, Explore, Experience - The perfect E's
Practice, Perfection - Best P's
"The more you learn, the more you grow, the more you grow, the more is the joy in living, the more is the joy, the perfect your life is".

It really helps us visualize living a perfect and immortal life.

Some of the great punches from the book which inspired me most are given below:

"I don't mind being bone and feathers, mom. I just want to know what I can do in the air and what I can't, that's all. I just want to know."

"His thought was triumph. Terminal velocity! A seagull at two hundred fourteen miles per hour! It was breakthrough, the greatest single moment in the history of the Flock, and in that moment a new age opened for Jonathan Gull."

"Do you have any idea how many lives we must have gone through before we even got the first idea that there is more to life than eating, or fighting, or power in the flock?"

"Heaven is not a place, and it is not a time, Heaven is being perfect."

The book has still occupied us in thousands of shades of our lives and will keep us occupied eternally.

http://books.google.com/books?id=C19aAAAAMAAJ&q=jonathan+livingston+seagull&dq=jonathan+livingston+seagull&pgis=1

In nature nothing is perfect and everything is perfect. Trees can

be contorted, bend in weird ways, and they are still beautiful.

ALICE WALKER

This kind of thing reminds me why I liked her and actually included her in my book. However, by that time Walker was well along in her efforts to become an oracle instead of a writer. Too bad. She could have been a great writer, The Color Purple and a few other things attest. Instead she often sounds like a half-baked version of Shirley McLain. Which leaves her about quarter-baked, I guess.

My definition of perfect:

the obsessive need to have things done MY WAY

You see, perfect is rather subjective. What is perfect to me may not be perfect to you and my compulsion for perfect usually only matters to me.

Here are some examples of how the disease attacked me today:

1. I was trying on clothes to figure out what to wear tomorrow and couldn't find the perfect size heal to go with my jeans that would make them hang at the perfect length. When I did find the perfect size heal it didn't match my shirt perfectly and so we went round and round trying to perfectly match the heal, the jeans, and the shirt.
2. While I was cleaning up the kitchen today I discovered that I have a precise way that all the dishes go in the cabinets perfectly. Even mismatched dishes have a perfect order. And of course there is a perfect way to load the dishwasher so as to perfectly fit everything in there!
3. The laundry is also subject to perfect. I have strong opinions on the perfect size load and what colors and fabrics should be washed together. But perfect really comes into play for the folding. Towels are folded perfectly in half and then in half again and then two folds from the outside in so that the folded towel is the perfect size for the cabinet when it's put away. The same holds true for every stitch of clothing INCLUDING underwear, yes underwear are perfectly folded... each and every pair!

Yes, I do believe I am borderline OCD but my disease of perfect rears its ugly head inconsistently.  There are some things that I'm sure I'm not so obsessive about... but I can't think of them right now. :)

What crazy compulsions do you have?

Before you read any further, I can assure you this isn't another article begging the question;
"What would you rather do?"
This article is, however, about society contradicting itself. The idea that perfect is being skinny and having a large chest seems almost as unachievable as it is sought after. In a recent survey it was found that 26% percent of Australians are overweight, making Australia the fattest country in the world, with the U.S in second with 25%. This begs the question:
If there's so much pressure to be thin, how is it that 1 in 4 Australians/Americans are overweight?

My explanation of this is the media working against itself. The beauty industry tells us to be thin, the talk show and health media say that's a ridiculous assumption and also that people shouldn't care about their appearance.

So does that mean everyone can forget about brushing their hair and wear old, tattered clothing all the time? I certainly hope not, what a sight!
It seems that now a major portion of society looks at skinny girls, of which most are just naturally skinny, as anorexic and if you will, cheap. Now girls of their teenage years face two problems; If you're too fat people will tell you to get of the couch...if you're too skinny, people will tell you stop chucking up your food in the school bathroom. There's no where to run.

So what's it going to be Australia, when is the industry of economics and mindless profiting from making girls feel insecure going to end?  It may not be a question of heads or tails (more like an endlessly interconnected web of who said what), but all I'm saying is that society needs to accept itself. You are who you are and that's a full stop. Who knows, maybe the Chief Producer of "America's Next Top Model" is ugly and overweight;

That would be irony at it's finest.

Cheers
Rachael

She thought of this

A perfect rose

Indeed

What else is there

That can compare

To the (im)perfection

Of a rose?

The wind

In the trees

Leaves in a breeze

The pale sun pining

For those stars

Hanging delicate

Far out of reach

In the night sky.

I ask of you why

Is perfection this way

Leaving you with

Nothing to say

In a hazy reminder

Of peace and

A watery replica

Of tranquility?

Not lost in a sea

Of innocent roses

Spent and tired

From the endless

Spouting

Of beauty: ideal,

And this constant,

Inescapable perfection.

It might be so that one experiences such a love once or twice in their live. I tend to remember being held in my Grandmother's arms in my Grandfather's favorite chair when I was 4 or 5 and her singing to me as I was falling asleep. I remember feeling many emotions at the time, but I primarily remember feeling the best I ever had. No matter what had happened that day, I was perfectly happy at the moment and nothing could go wrong. Childhood is an important time to experience love; it can change a child's life. I think Grandma was there to teach me a special lesson about how great love can be.

Now I'm older; I'm 20. I'm almost 21 now. The age of reason in America. Somehow I feel myself wishing I was 5 years old again. I used to accept what life gave me. I used to wake up everyday in wonder of what new things I would see and who I would meet. Now I doubt myself and others and I've, sadly, become somewhat cynical and pessimistic about life. It's hard to find a pessimistic child; most grown people I meet are, like me, somewhat disheartened by life. I find myself hungering for optimism.

My girlfriend, Amanda, is very optimistic. She wakes up everyday with a plan and a list and she gets things done. And once she's done with the day, she falls asleep ready for the next day of work and accomplishment. Amanda has a passionate desire to be a big-time broadcast journalist and investigative reporter and she's wanted that since she was 6 years old. When I was 6 I wanted to be an astronaut, needless to say, I'm not interning at NASA next year. She's incredibly tenacious and I've seen it work to her benefit and detriment, like most strong traits, but I've always seen it pay off for her primary goal. She hasn't given up in 14 years and it would be a statistical anomaly if she had just been lucky the whole time. I've become sickeningly apathetic, and, somehow, my significant other and peer is the complete opposite. I can't blame anyone but myself. I need her more than I'll ever be able to tell her. I'd tell her I look up to her but I'm sure she wouldn't believe me. She's incredibly passionate and it has made her my role-model, significant other, and favorite person I've ever met.

Passion is an interesting word in the English language. It has a number of definitions, but these are some of the most important for this discussion:

1) A strong feeling or emotion.
2) Any object of warm affection or devotion
3) An irrational but irresistible motive for a belief or action; mania.

For me, I take a personal appreciation for the third listed above. An irrational but irresistible motive. There's my problem right there, I think too much. I believe I'm organized to a fault. If something isn't going to be perfect, I will rarely bother doing it. I find myself thinking in the moment that my thoughts are the only perfect things I have, but I find myself reflecting that my thoughts are nothing to begin with. That's the re-occuring issue with idealism, namely, a lack of accomplishment. And last time I checked, there hasn't been an idea that worked that didn't require just that, work. I've learned that an ideas are simultaneously nothing and everything: nothing in that they are physically nothing, and everything in that they govern everything a mindful person does.

So what does someone like me need? Something I can strive to do perfectly. I woke upon with the realization that I'm staunch idealist and perfectionist. I made a mental list (as I often do) of all the things that mattered in the world and I came up with perfect love. Perfect love is really the only thing that I've ever wanted and it has never hurt me in a way that didn't make me better for it. All I have to do now is find out what direction this sort of love will take me.

The test takes only a few minutes and gives you some wonderful things to contemplate. You might want to do the test before and after some spiritual program and see if there are any changes.

Of course when we're in Oneness, tests are meaningless. But what the heck. Why not have some fun.

http://MeditationVacations.com/btest

May the bliss be with you.

Jim Kitzmiller

In our modern world we have enough information and knowledge to examine ages in detail all the way back to the deglaciation of the world that commenced around 14,000 year ago.  It is true that highly detailed information is thin on the ground for the first few thousand years, but what information that is available from those ancient times not only support the existence of the astrological ages, but also that each age consists of positive and negative archetypes associated with the astrological sign concerned.

This is not new to astrologers.  All experienced astrologers know that the horoscope for each individual person is a combination of positive and negative elements.  Most people have a relative equal number of positive and negative astrological attributes.  There is no perfect human being and there is no perfect age. 

The perspective of the ancient Chinese philosophers and sages got it right - everything associated with physical reality is composed of a combination on yin and yang, with a little bit of yang in the yin and vice versa.  What happens as each new age arrives is that the positive and negative archetypes associated with the new sign slowly take over from the positive and negative archetypes of the influence from the previous age.  This is what is happening in the world today.  The Pisces momentum from the Pisces age has promoted the positive and negative archetypes of Pisces while the new Aquarian age has commenced pushing its own positive and negative archetypes to the fore.

What are the positive and negative archetypes of Pisces?  On the plus side we have compassion, charities and social security (less so in the USA compared to most other Western nations); great poetry, drama and artworks from the likes of Shakespeare, Michelangelo and Leonardo da Vinci onwards (including the modernists such as Picasso), an incredible array of movies, fictional novels and abstract concepts; pharmaceutical drugs for a whole range of ailments.

On the negative side of Pisces are alcoholism, poisonous chemicals, prisons, addictive drugs, propaganda (spin) and swindlers, religious delusions; slavery and now sex slaves.  In addition there are a number of areas that can be either positive or negative depending upon your point of view.  These ambivalent Pisces activities include Buddhism, Christianity and Islam; European culture; petroleum, corporations and recreational intoxicants.

These positive and negative aspects of Pisces remain the dominant archetypes in the world but Aquarius has progressively introduced its positive and negative aspects since it arrived in 1443 (or 1442).   For example Aquarius has promoted democracy on the positive side counter-balanced by fascism.  Whenever Aquarius is strong the sea-saw will tend to go towards fascism or democracy as both are strong Aquarian archetypes.  This is keenly demonstrated by the USA that so strongly promotes democracy within its borders yet since the Second World War has supported fascist dictators and governments around the world over democracy whenever it suits the commercial or political interests of the USA.  In fact the USA is an excellent example of democracy and fascism conjoined – but that is another story altogether.

Positive developments associated with Aquarius include flight, electricity, humanitarianism and idealists, inventions, modernization, civic organisations and associations, and free thought.  Negative elements include lack of stability, mental instability and illnesses, emotional detachment (think of the Holocaust).  Other elements that can go either way are rebelliousness and revolutions (some bring democracy and freedom while others bring tyranny); and socialism (which can be extended to communism).

Are all zodiacal signs equal in their positive and negative aspects?   There are two schools of thought on this – the modern school typically indicates that each sign and planet is basically equal in its positive and negative aspects.  Traditionalists believe that some planets and the signs they rule are more orientated towards either positiveness or negativity.

In my observation I believe that the truth lies somewhere in the middle.  No planet or sign is all bad or good – each contains both good and bad, but some planets and signs do tend slightly more to the negative while other tend towards the positive but some sit in the middle.  I believe that Pisces does err mildly on the negative side but Aquarius is either balanced or very slightly biased towards the positive side.  This does not make the Pisces age negative and the Aquarian age positive.

Therefore, though the world is not passing from the ‘dark’ Age of Pisces to the radiant Age of Aquarius, Aquarius does seem to offer some advantages over Pisces.  This can be easily demonstrated.  Whenever the ubiquitous Jehovah Witnesses would arrive at my doorstep they would quickly draw my attention to all the problems and deteriorations in the world.  My standard counter was ‘if the world is so bad today, when in the past was it better?’  This perspective always left them floundering.  Do you think 1978, 1988, 1998 for example were better than 2008?

Even with all the problems of pollution, corruption, inequality, terrorism, war, violence, criminal activity and so on, the world in general today is better for a higher proportion of the world’s population compared to any time in the past.  It reminds me of something I heard not too long ago.  Someone said that if your life is 51% positive and 49% negative then you are experiencing a positive life.  The same situation applies to the world.

The majority of the world does not live the relatively gifted lifestyles of the populations of the First World countries.  The proportion of the world that does get to experience modernity is growing.  Even over the last few decades hundreds of millions of people around the world have been embraced by modernity partially or fully – one way or another, especially in China and India.

This is the dawning of the Age of Aquarius.  The arrival of modernity from its seed that was planted over 500 years ago when the Aquarian age first arrived unannounced is steadily embracing a greater proportion of the world.  The modern world is not a perfect world but from my subjective perspective it is superior to the medieval (Pisces) world it is replacing.

This is the wisdom of the ages.  There is no perfect age, and the Age of Aquarius is definitely not perfect.  The quest for the mythical perfect Age of Aquarius is just the hangover from Pisces.  Pisces rules delusions and self-deception.  You have a choice – you can continue to listen to delusions about a fantasized Age of Aquarius that will never arrive - or you can open your eyes and perceive the dawning of the Age of Aquarius – warts and all, that is occurring all around you and has been for over 500 years

There are many warts associated with the Age of Aquarius but in the end it comes down to a simple issue – is the glass half full or half empty?  On a daily basis I give thanks to whatever reality that produced the universe and world we live in.  Is there any other time in history that is superior to today?  For the huge majority of us living in the modern world we should be truly thankful for this unique experience since our evolution from the animal kingdom.

I sincerely hope that the dawning of the Age of Aquarius continues until all the people in the world have the option to live in this modern world.  The wisdom of the ages indicates that this will not occur this century and may not even be completed in the next one thousand years.  This is not based on my personal preferences but on what investigating the ages has taught me.

That is my favourite definition of perfect.

And I have been searching for a perfect topic for the first post of this blog. I give up. Because it has taken me far too long and I doubt more time will aid. I just need to start it going. So, what comes to the mind first shall be it, perfect!

But what is perfect? Nothing lesser than the optimal result? Or could perfect be possibly not a definite point (the positive end of the pole) but actually consists of a continuum, with varying degrees of perfection? Furthermore, is the measurement criteria universally agreed upon? Or do we draw up our own?

In my opinion, perfect is a subjective quality. And this is what makes it so intriguing, or at least to me. We are constantly striving towards this pencil mark. Pencil, because it is only logical to jot down the ever-changing benchmark in erasable lead instead of permanent ink. In this manner, perfection will always remain as the ideal. If perfection is ever realized, than what is there left to dream next?

But if I ever meet you, I will not refuse.

I looked up at her from my writing. "You did it in pen, we can't change it." I stated.

"Go bring me the art pencils and we can do one together, one we can work out the details, fix the mistakes." She went off, unhappy about it, but returned a moment later, pencils in hand.

"I don't see why I need to use a pencil." She grumbled. As we began to work, the problem became very clear. I sketched and asked questions, drawing out from her mind what it was she was trying to achieve. I put a mark down on the paper. "Nooo, that's wrong...it wasn't like that."

"Honey, that's what we have the eraser for." I patiently erased the mark, ready to put down a new one a little farther over.

"But I don't want to have to ERASE, I want it to be PERFECT." She was getting distressed. "It will be wrong!!"

"Honey, " I glanced over at the clock, knowing bed time needed to happen very soon. "That's what they MADE erasers for. NOTHING is perfect right away. You have to work on it. You have to be willing to make mistakes or you aren't going to get anywhere." I blew out a breath of exasperation.

We ended the drawing session. She was too tired, I was too impatient. Some things are better left for other times.

I tried to go back to my writing but the moment had been broken. I thought about all the times in my life I had been just as frustrated because I couldn't do it perfect the first time. How many times I had given in to irritation because I couldn't *start in pen* and never have to worry about making a mistake. How many times I felt less than talented if I had to take out the eraser and start over or go back and redo something.

My daughter doesn't fall too far from the tree.

This morning, in my quiet reading time, I opened randomly to a page from The Sound of Paper, by Julia Cameron. My eyes lit on to the following words.

Teachers are everywhere when we are open to them.

But we cannot learn everything at once. We must first learn progress not perfection. Too often, we measure our early creative attempts against the masterworks of accomplished artists. Falling short, we become discouraged. We have not witnessed their learning curve. We have seen the Godfather trilogy, not Coppola's beginning films. In our imagination, the early works of accomplished artists must be marked by genius. It isn't always so. Art is a combination of talent and character, and many times the artists who win do so because of their stubbornness. They refuse to take no for an answer.

Talent, character, stubbornness and...I would add- a willingness to fail, be wrong, learn from mistakes and go on. Make the next mark better, the next words brighter, the next experience more brilliant. What is true in art is true in life as well.

Thank God for big erasers. Thank God I don't have to live my life in pen.

This morning's meditaion was How do I apporach the changes I need to make in my life?

My take on this, upon reflection, is that while I may need to make changes, they need to come from a positive place. It's not "if I change, then I will be a good or better person." Rather, it's "I already am a good person, I just need to change this aspect of my life."

Something to ponder on a cloudy Frday morning.

It has been said that every child born on this earth is Heavenly Fathers attempt to make a perfect human being.

Some would say he has failed many times.

But I would say that God does NOT make mistakes, and he has been successful every time.

Every child is born with a different set of circumstances, challenges, and fellow beings.

Jesus Christ has provided that for every person who follows Him, he/she can and will be perfect.

Si tu ne prêtes pas attention, de façon consciente, à ton féminin intérieur (l'énergie féminine) dans ta vie éveillé, celui-ci essaiera de l'atteindre par l'intermediaire des rêves, des émotions et du corps. L'énergie féminine constitue la source de la sagesse supérieur en toi. Si, régulièrement, tu apprends à l'écouter attentivement, elle te guidera à la perfection.

Mon féminin intérieur est mon guide

“Trifles make perfection

              But perfection is no trifle.”

I admire perfection in work.  It speaks of dedication, research, careful planning, rumination and execution in work. It speaks of redoing a job till it is just right.

A perfectionist’s work can be a masterpiece.  An artist’s efforts to bring out just the right hues of light in his painting is striving for perfection.  A carpenter’s efforts to get the finishing of his furniture just right, a student’s efforts to research and gather all the facts and make a presentation, a homemaker’s efforts to keep her house sparkling clean, an employee’s efforts to make a right project report, a businessman’s efforts to make the best product is striving for perfection.  We all strive for perfection in our own way.  The pleasure and satisfaction of work perfectly done is incomparable.

But can anything ever be perfect.  There is always scope for improvement.  Do a job perfectly.  Then ask somebody else if the job is perfectly done.  He will always be able to add some improvements.  Every head thinking differently can add something to better the output.

I know for a fact that if I were to try to be perfect in all the articles that I write in this blog, I doubt whether I would be able to write even one article weekly.  I do my research and put my soul in when I write my articles.  I try to ensure that I give value to my readers.  But I do not strive to be perfect.  I know that trying to be perfect everytime will seriously hamper my productivity.  Instead, I strive for excellence. 

The risk – reward payoff of perfect output should be evaluated in every case.  Trying to be perfect come what may is a big blunder. 

Sometimes, perfectionism is very rewarding.  An author who puts in her best in her book has every chance of it becoming a bestseller.  In this case, the reward could be very high.  Hence, all the effort is justified.

But, if a homemaker with little children strives to be perfect in cleaning her house, she is inviting fatigue, not to mention the loss of her good mood and time spent with her family.  What is the point of trying to clean a house perfectly when the chance of it being dirtied immediately is very high.  Instead if the homemaker strives for only a clean house, she will be happier.

In the changing world of business, if you strive for perfection everytime, then you might lose your opportunity. 

Some of the greatest achievers are perfectionists.  Perfection becomes a problem when it is compulsive.  Compulsively trying to be perfect may result from some insecurity and fear of making mistakes.  It can also cause considerable stress.  Perfectionism may stifle creativity.  Also, perfectionists may fail to move forward.  

Successful people know how to balance their perfectionist urgings with demands of circumstance, time and value to be received.  They try to do the job required excellently.  They spend only that much time and effort which is required to do the job well or as per the importance of the work.  They know when to do their best and when to move on.   

So when should you be a perfectionist:

1.      When the payoffs are huge

2.      when the same work has to be done again and again

3.      when this job is likely to be the key factor in your progress

4.      where safety is concerned

5.      where you are charging a big premium for quality

So think over.

Bye for now.

1.       What are your habits?

2.       What do you like?

3.       What you do not like?

4.       What do you want to learn but currently don't know?

5.       What are your duties?

These questions play an important role in contracting or dilating your life's horizons. Ideally Life should be free by all means but hardly that is the case. Mostly you find it detained, entangled, dull, full of misery and perverted.

Finding answers to above questions and working on them will help you to live life to the fullest and to go beyond; to reach the ultimate heavens, unlimited energies and extreme heights. Below is a more categorized form of questions above, marked with examples:

1.       Dependencies and weaknesses

• Habits
• Things you like

2.       Fears and Phobias

• Things you don't like
• Things you don't know

3.       Duties and Obligations

• Society
• Rituals, Traditions and Practices
• Religion

Let's consider an example to simplify it further. Say, I want to live my life to the fullest. I want to enjoy and utilize every single moment. I want to go everywhere, enjoy everything. What stops me from doing so?

Dependencies and weaknesses: Habits - Good or Bad

I am an addict of drinking tea. I cannot start my mornings without a cup of tea. This confines my enjoyment in places and times when I don't get tea. Habits or behaviors limit your life. They could be good or bad. They might spoil or enrich your life in materialistic terms but they make it dormant. Similar pattern applies with all the other habits.

Dependencies and weaknesses: Likings

I am a naturalistic person. I am fond of mountains, trees, snow, birds and all that is natural. This constitutes one of my weaknesses and is a limitation. This diverts my interest more towards nature and its substitutes. It is a condition, a restriction, put on my life. If given a choice of visiting a friend or going on a forest trip on some weekend, I would definitely prefer the latter, because I have a liking towards it.

Fears and Phobias: Things you don't like

I personally don't like getting injected and get disturbed by mere a sight of blood. I do not enjoy visiting doctors and hospitals. This is a fear and demarcates my life. Similarly, you might have different phobias which restrict you from living a perfect life.

Fears and Phobias: Things you don't know

I cannot swim. Hence naturally I would not feel fortunate if somebody pushes me into the water. Ignorance is the cause. Although it is not a phobia but due to ignorance, it behaves like one and restricts me from enjoying the depths of lakes and splashes of pools.

Duties and Obligations

I am currently single and stay with my parents. If I want to go anywhere or start a new practice, it is beneficial although not a mandate to let other dependent or concerned people know about it or confirm their approval. In some cases an approval might be needed but in others, it could only be information for them. Whatever is the case; it is also a shortcoming factor. I am not saying anything against your parents, relatives, friends, partners but I am trying to say that your duties and obligations do play a role in encaging your life. Family is the start, but bigger barriers are religion, society, all the rituals and practices you are supposed to follow.

I hope you might have had an idea by now how Dependencies, Fears and Duties hinder your journey to the ultimate being. How they play most important role in handicapping and perverting completeness of your life.

You make me very, very happy. It's silly when we both think the other is mad or upset, in turn making the paranoia worse for each other, even though neither of us is mad or upset. I'm sure we're just worried to mess things up with each other because such happiness puts a lot of pressure on us. But either way, I couldn't ever leave you and can only hope it's the same for you. That you'd feel like we could work through any issue the way that I do. Coz I know I am willing to, it's definitely worth it for me, no matter what the case is. And I hope you know I would never do anything to hurt you, it's not a possibility for me. And for once in my life I have no fear of anything happening to me, either, and that is an amazing feeling.

The way that you make me feel is pretty much indescribable right now. Essentially, you make every part of my life a little bit brighter. Everything seems a little bit better just knowing that I am yours, as cheesy as that sounds. When I am away from you, I think about you damn near constantly. And when I am with you I feel supreme comfort and some form of being content I have never experienced. I feel settled, like, I don't need anything else from the world. It's all good.

I feel totally lame for being so openly obsessed with you, I think because I had previously been so used to trying to keep only "one foot in the door" out of fear. But with you, it's not like that at all. I have no reason to be hesitant so it's all just, there. I just love so much about you that I can't help but swoon and be all over it at all times. I feel like I have so many nice things to say, but not enough space to say it.

To be honest, I think you're absolutely amazing. You are smart, you know about so many things and always have something to teach me. You are funny, and in such a way that it never seems forced, it's just genuine. And speaking of genuine, you are that too. I never feel like you are exaggerating or sugar-coating anything and that is amazing to me. You're true. I adore it. And you are talented, beyond my comprehension. Sometimes I will see you doing something that just blows my mind, because it's yet another thing you can do, and do well, and you already have so many talents and abilities. Like how you can make music, and draw, and paint, and tattoo, and write... And then I see you pick up a guitar and start making your own songs and it's breath-taking to me. And you are beautiful, I have always thought so, and everyone is shallow to a point so I must say that it's also a plus. Most of all what I love, is that when I talk, I can tell you're listening. So many people just listen enough to know whether or not to respond with a "yeah" or "okay", but you always LISTEN, and you understand me. It's important to me, that you do this. Because I do it for you, and it's a good feeling to get it in return just as much. But that's how you are with everything, I never feel like I am giving more than I am getting, which is new for me and I am still getting used to it. I love it though, really.

This is getting long, so I will end it by saying that I am extremely excited to spend much, much more time with you. I'm excited to see where this will go, because I know we have lots of time left and I know it will only get better. Thank you for making my life so much better, I hope I can always manage to return the favor <3

Love, Me

Although my family is somewhat dysfunctional, I stopped blaming them a long time ago. My childhood was a happy one, although we were all riddled with anxiety. Whatever the reasons, being born into such a stressful environment has had a profound effect on my life. The pain I feel now is the consequence of a combination of many different, negative influences.

Anyway, my dad just called to tell me he was coming down, with my mum, to visit next week. I was very happy to hear from him but within seconds joy was replaced by fear at the prospect of meeting them. This is a direct and intensely painful contradiction of, the most basic human instinct.

Happiness turned to panic as soon as I visualised myself with my parents. Poor self-image manifests physically and emotionally, and I know I will feel inadequate and dysfunctional, in both respects. Where such a painful sense of loss and isolation originates, I may never know.

Despite the obvious psychological reasons for my condition, I am sure my problem is principally genetic. Whatever the cause of my personal unhappiness and addiction, this is me and I have always felt, more or less, the same. Perhaps, it is sometimes better, to stop trying so hard and learn to be happy with what I have.

We are imperfect individuals, living in an imperfect world. But that is also what makes life so rich and interesting. For some, self-exploration can become an endless journey and the failure to find resolution another reason to beat yourself up.

I am looking forward to seeing my parents because I love them, and they love me, but our relationship will never be ideal. Such is the paradox of the fragile human condition.

I have been, off and on, extremely anxious these past few months, likely due to delving too far into the secrets of my spiritual self. I'm disturbing the spiritually dead, proverbially speaking, and it's not someone else either- it's my dead self. Well of course this is all speculation, but in either case- as far as I'm concerned, I've willingly asked for a glimpse of Hell, and now I'm agonizing over whether it was really worth it.

I began this journey of self-exploration at first just to turn the nothing I was into something in the future; then, once I realized that it was not that simple, I began seeking out what that nothing was, because you cannot do anything you know nothing about, because even nothing is something

Well, all that abstract talk is just me being melodramatic...eventually, I found that the more I discovered about myself through this inference-based reasoning, the more I was able to improve upon myself. I started with internal change (opinions, morals, perspectives), and eventually harnessed these changes into habits/etc., to the point my transformation could not go unnoticed by those who "knew" me. But noooooo...that wasn't good enough for me. I had to find the unfindable answers, relying on the forbidden intuition that I should never have had- well perhaps I've just being "played" by myself- this illusion of soul-torture that I've forced upon myself due to expecting something.

But really, the possibilities are endless, so why doubt my doubts when I can "suspend judgement" on those matters- and focus my attentions on these far more engrossing and apparently irresistable obsessions. But, as you may have noted, these obsessions have really done a number on me. Why is it that I must have such depressing, such inevitably hopeless obsessions.

Now that I know that we all are motivated by the desire to run away from ourselves- or more accurately, we won't be happy unless we do everything to run away from ourselves. No- that's not even accurate. I mean "our other self" - might be our "Ego", might be our "soul" or "spirit" or "psyche"- well, it's arguable that all those words mean the same thing anyway. Perhaps- and this is most definitely the case, we are running away from something far bigger that that. But really, is that even possible, or does it even make any sense, considering at this point it's all just semantics.

Actually, I wouldn't even be able to write this post had it not been for the spontaneous impulses (that's redundant BTW) of my brother- by which I was able to clear my head sufficiently to actually think straight for the first time in 2 days. Now for some revised definitions "for the road":

Sin: Self- you know, the "other self". like I said, all semantics...

Agony: Seeing self, or a reflection/glimpse thereof- for what we really are, an eternally tortured self.

Hell: In "God's" presence we see the ugliness that we really are:

desperate, hateful, dependent, miserable, melancholic, masochistic/sadistic, vengeful, malicious, lonely, obsessed, perverted, greedy, lustful, irrate. All scum that is depicable and distasteful.

As to how such a hellish curse was eternally forced upon us, there are many possibilities, but this is my theory: Balance has always existed- it is the true God. But "in reality", Balance is only rules- just as Pythagoras's numbers did not create anything, but only organized what already existed. We, our "original" self- also existed, and were thus governed by Balance. But to gain self-awareness, our soul- as I'll call the "original self", had to pay an equal price- that is after all necessary to maintain Balance. The "Adam and Eve" story of Genesis 2-3, is IMO, a story that originally took, or more accurately, takes place outside time and a space- humans would not exist if "original self" did not become "original sin. Update: Time did exist- since it is a fundamental necessity of balance.

There are many Bible verses which support this interpretation, in several books, both the old testament and new. Although I really don't have motivation or time (b/f going 2 bed) to cite specific verses (although I probably would have if I didn't spend so much time procrastinating on Uncyclopedia- it's way to funny for my own good! see side-panel links for reference!)-

In Genesis, Isaiah, Psalms, Proverbs, Ecclesiastics, Revelation- just to name a few...

In the account of Jesus's death (found on all 4 gospels, though only a couple in sufficient detail), Jesus dies for our sake- taking the sin of the world upon himself.

I pity those millions (Billions unless it's "all for show") of Christians that completely misinterpret the Bible- it's not like I'm even close to accurate (obviously!) but at least I'm on the right track. Honestly though, how can anyone take what they call "God's Word" at face-value. It's sickening how simple people can be about things so far beyond themselves- what an insult to God!

Back to Jesus: In taking the sin upon himself- I strongly believe that this refers to the evolution of man. See, before man- there was just animals- no self-awareness.

To further understand- I'll shed some more light on my theories regarding the Soul:

The Soul is running away from itself- in denial, just as we are. That is because, in order to create life, death needed to be created. To create ecstasy, despair needed to be created. This was the price of Balance. The soul took upon itself those ugly qualities (the ones listed halfway through what I've written so far) so that it might give birth to the positives. The Soul did this so that it could have meaning, and because it was inevitable- it was in its nature to bestow benevolence. This soul is our God, and is always a part of us....Okay, for the time being ending creepy mystical mutterings...

Naturally, the Soul could not bear this state of being (hell), so it thrust itself into its creation, and became ignorant. The soul enjoyed bliss in this ignorance- animals, plants, and all life at that time, had naught but instincts, and thus had no reason to find the Soul. This is not unfeasible, as most humans today have the gift of self-awareness but do not use it, leaving it dormant.

But, in accordance with Balance, the Soul innately struggled to correct the imperfection of its beasts, and these struggles took on the form of evolution, with its battle-scars taking on the form of mutation, and its confusion was mirrored in natural chaos. As the struggle became exponentially intense, a split occurred within the Soul- this was also a necessity of balance. The struggle had reached a level so great that it threatened to destroy Balance, and an innate failsafe defense mechanism was activated within Balance, resulting in the first miracle. This miracle, having split the Soul into two, formed what I will call the "Thesis" and "Antithesis". Both the Thesis and Antithesis seek to be reunited under a Synthesis- but, in accordance with balance, this is not possible because that desire is neutralized with an equal and opposite force.

*Please note: Contrary to Augustine's theory that God exists outside time, my account, assuming "God" to be "the creator", exists within time-- Balance always exists, therefore time does. Even though God has always existed, he did within time, because Balance is also eternal. My "God" is also not infinite, and is bound by the laws of Balance.

The desire for synthesis is mirrored in our own lives to this day, because it is necessary for Balance. One might ask the question, is there then the possibility that there is also imbalance?- But if the answer was yes, that would be a moot paradox, so I wouldn't bother. (see Illogical)

Also, these events are somewhat reflected in the story of Cain and Abel.

Eventually, amid the struggles between the negative and positive that is the Soul, life evolved into increasingly complex organisms. But, in accordance with Balance, existence must be sustained by non-existence- thus, As many who are born must die. Because the animals were reproducing and flourishing, more were being born than were dying.

*Please note- keep in mind that although the Thesis and Antithesis are fighting, neither are self-aware of it, as their self-awareness is dormant within now-primitive life. Their subconsciousness's are dualing, and they are only aware of the effects, in the forms of chaos and mutation.

*Also- these circumstances are reflected in the story of Noah's Ark, particularly Gen. 6:1-7.

Now Balance was approaching the failsafe point, and- aware that the Soul had self-awareness, corrected the deficit by calling out the Soul (Antithesis and Thesis) to make a choice: allow the creation to be destroyed (which would be the second miracle), or make another sacrifice to correct the Balance in their stead. Because the Soul was now two different beings, the choice would have to be made separately. This decision could have been the long-awaited Synthesis, because both the Negative and Positive desired for life to continue flourishing. But Synthesis did not come to be.

The Positive Essence decided to sacrifice its self-awareness eternally, taking the form of Heaven or, more accurately, Nirvana.

The Negative Essence decided to keep it's self-awareness, but eternally resigned its right to ignorance, forever tormented to the ends permitted by Balance- its unhappiness mirroring the happiness of life, and vice versa. Thus, in order for life to be happy, it must be unhappy- we essentially depend on the unhappiness of the negative essence. It took the form of Hell or, more accurately, Samsara.

*Please note that there is a big difference between ignorance and self-awareness. The Positive Essence did not become ignorant by losing its self-awareness- if fact, if I understand Buddhism philosophy correctly, losing self-awareness is essential for losing all ignorance.

*As you probably already guessed, the Positive Essence's sacrifice was mirrored through the life and teachings of Gautama Buddha.

*Also note- The irony: Buddha discovered that the cause of human suffering was ignorance, but this is only one type of truth, which is derived from the Positive essence. Just as our well-being mirrors Samsara, our self-awareness mirrors the Positive Soul's lack thereof. Thus, because the Positive Soul is statically in a state of Nirvana, Balance must correct our ignorance with suffering, in accordance with Nirvana's complete lack of ignorance. On the other hand our ignorance can also grant us happiness, as ignorance makes our creator (the Negative side) unhappy. In other words, two negatives, when multiplied, make a positive. See here: God hates being ignored. Why do you think this commandment takes top spot on the 10?

*The Negative Essence was mirrored long before the Positive Essence did (Hinduism), but the effects were not fully realized until the life of Jesus. Because of the complications caused by the division of the Essences, and the sacrifices thereof, many miracles occurred up until the time of Jesus, and echoed until long after, in accordance. The effects of the Positive Essence need no be mirrored long, because it actually returned to its original self- essentially rendering it's role in the creation of life nonexistent. The original miracle through Which Nirvana's choice was reflected, was told in the allegory of Jacob and Esau (Gen. 25:30-34). Just as Esau gave up his birthright, Nirvana did as well. Key here is verse 34: ..."thus Esau despised his birthright." This mirrors the notion that Nirvana did not want it's birthright, because self-awareness actually held it captive, thus being more a hindrance than help.

(Just a thought)

Mirroring how Samsara took every kind of agony possible upon itself, Jesus took every sin upon himself. The Negative Essence became Samsara, taking Hell upon itself so that we might live- thus, the balance, at least for the time being, was complete.

Now all that remains is our choice. Because we were made in the Image of the Soul, we have self-consciousness. However, our self-consciousness is incomplete- metaphorically speaking, half complete. This is why we have two selfs. One of our selves has self-awareness, the other does not. That is because we are based upon and depend on two different Essences, of one Soul- one Essence has self-consciousness; the other does not. These two different selfs take the form of the Id and Ego.

The Id is the self-consciousless persona, derived from Nirvana

The Ego is the self-conscious persona, derived from Samsara

thus, Balance is achieved, and all that is left is for us to make the choice:

The Antithesis, the Thesis, or the Synthesis?

If we choose the Antithesis, Nirvana is achieved, ultimately

If we choose the Thesis, We will maintain self-awareness, but perpetually share with the happiness and unhappiness of the Samsara. Unfortunately, to correct the Imbalance required for us to live, we must ultimately suffer, as the suffering must outweigh happiness to compensate for life. This will continue, until we either choose Nirvana, or the third choice- the Synthesis:

Not a true Synthesis, but: We run away from our true selves, gaining ignorance through bliss, and pleasure through Denial. This is, unfortunately, the choice of the vast majority of the world. Although it is clearly the best choice for us, it is the greatest sin one can possibly commit, as we are gaining pleasure as the direct consequence of God's suffering. That is because by ignoring God we are doing that which makes him suffer most, and thus gain the greatest pleasure from it.

To end with a few verses that best reflect that last paragraph:

Mark 8- "34Then he called the crowd to him along with his disciples and said: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. 35For whoever wants to save his life^[c] will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it. 36What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, yet forfeit his soul? 37Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul?" If you really think about it, you'll be taken off-guard at how closely these words match up to this post! ps.- this is probably the most on-the-spot biblical re-translation I've ever done on the spot in my life- guess I showed that Redneck/Asshole!

Sometimes I wonder why the slim girls still think they're fat; the skinny girls may want to eat more to look more firm, and not frail. The average wants to be slim. Can that be the reason why slimming centres are flourishing? Why are people so focused on external beauty that they forget to develop their character inside?

I have been to slimming centres and have signed up on their packages. Although it works, there is a yoyo effect and nothing beats living healthy, eating balanced meals and going for a good workout. I have to admit that I was stupid back then. Spending so much on slimming treatments when the whole intention was so that I would be more noticeable for someone I liked. I think it's important to accept who we are, and who God made us to be.

Anyways! Today has been such a boring day.  Mother Nature has cursed me once again this month.  I hate her sometimes. (if you know what I mean). Im cramping, my stomach is killing me yet im hungry, my head is throbbing and the only thing I  can manage to do write, or atlease semi-right is this.  Im off for a nap.  Not such a good first entry, but what can I say -- Sorry.

So how about simply entitling this entry, “Relationships, Love, The Future and Perfection, or lack there of”?

To start of, allow me to catch you up to this hot mess of a life of mine, love.

My boyfriend I, or should I say ex-boyfriend, have broken up. Well, I’m the one who has called it off and as of right now, I feel as though I’m the only one in any sort of ache.

It just wasn’t working out. He’s been gone for a week and a half to visiting some friends in Northern California. We haven’t talked for more than five minutes since he’s been gone, excluding last night when everything went down.

To some it all up, he doesn’t believe in him self.

He doesn’t plan to better himself.

He lacks faith and hope.

He isn’t as romantic and dominating as not only a man, but a Godly man should be.

Don’t get me wrong, I love him soooo much! I can truly say that I’ve wanted to spend the rest of my life with this young man. I was willing to put all my thoughts of what I need, want, and look for in a man, just to live a not so happily ever after with him. But that’s the thing, at the rate we have been going, we would have ended up with a “not so very happily ever after” type of life.

If we didn’t have anything in common NOW, if we didn’t have normal conversations NOW, if we simply did not spend time together or be romantic in the most positive of ways NOW, then what makes us think that we will later on in our relationship? I honestly feel as though his lack of faith, hope, and belief in his self isn’t only because of his childhood, but because he hasn’t been focusing on the one thing in this universe that can get him to where he needs to be, God. I called it quits because I felt as though we we’re holding each other back. We’re still young, you know? We have our whole lives ahead of us.

If we can’t control our relationship with God and please Him first, then there is no possible way we can control and please any other!

I could feel the lack of interest in our relationship, on his end.

He loves me, yes, but in love? I don’t know.

I can’t tell.

I’ve been in love once before with a man and not to compare or anything, but it was different.

It was amazing, breath taking even.

But, it just wasn’t meant to be.                                  

What I look for in a man?

First of, he has to be Godly.

There is no greater attraction than a man who puts full trust in God in every aspect of his life. Second, he should love to take charge, or at least want to.

I’d like to categorize myself as a hopeless romantic. I absolutely adore the whole “vintage love” meaning that old fashion type of love. I want a guy to pick where we’re going to eat, what we’re going to see, open doors for me, plan our dates, officially ask me to go out with him, and asks my mother (being that my father has passed) for my hand in marriage; a man who actually takes my feelings into consideration while doing all of this and more!

Someone who will write me songs, even if he couldn’t sing. Write poetry for me in the midnight hours. A confident man who yearns for true happiness!

A man who I have a lot in common with such as taste of music (jason mzra, outkast, common, india.arie, the roots, ms lauryn hill, weezy eff baby, rihanna, kanye, coldplay, black kids, maroon 5, mixed with a whole bunch of r&b, electro, oldies yet goodies and raw hip hop issssshhhhness), oddness, a urban yet metro fashion sense, mannerism, goals, ambitions, dreams, journalism, a kiss *** attitude and a dude who will chill with me for hours watching the greatest eighties movies of all time! A man who just likes to go m.i.a. sometimes, and get away from the rest of the world; who has many loves in life, and can except that I too have many.

Someone I can totally be my self around and not have a care in the world with; that will make up games with me and laugh at inside jokes we’ve had for YEARS! I like to travel, so that would be a plus. A proper somebody who knows when to act right, yet knows how to be freakin’ hood like me, my niggy! Lol a man who loves light skinned females with curly, curly hair and the most beautiful smile ; ) lol.

Back on subject;

He just needs to grow a dream.

Grow faith and hope.

A plan.

I don’t wanna seem picky at all! So sorry if this man seems as though he was created in my head. But I truly do believe he’s out there. He’s all this and much more! Of course, we will have separate lives amongst our friends, and have interests other than that of our better half BUTTTTTTTTTT all in all, imperfectly perfect for one another!

So basically, I don’t need a boyfriend/husband that’s fits every thing I just listed above, I will settle for a friend!

Or at least an acquaintance that chills with me freakin frequently.

Oh yeah, and third, he has to be 6’0 + tall, have a 13 + shoe size and has to be BLESSED where it counts.

Lol j k j k.

I’m totally kidding, he has to get my sense of humor, or at least not vomit at the fact that I think I’m freakin hilarious.

So please, if you’re out there, give me a call! Let’s be friends, love.

I think I’ve wrote enough in this blog. Sorry. I’m just bored and like I said before, there are a millionandone thoughts and ideas floating around in this head of mine.

One down, 7983423497340909832498 to go!

Peace and Prosperity, Loves.

Em`Looh La`Luce.