Ako mozes da vjerujes sebi kada svi u tebe sumnjaju,
i cak pridodajes njihovim sumnjama,

Ako mozes da cekas, a da ti ne dosadi cekanje,
ili ako si prevaren da ne lazes,

ili ako si omrznut da ne mrzis,
A pored toga da ne izgledas predobar ili premudar.

Ako mozes da sanjaris, a da snovi ne ovladaju tobom,
ako mozes da razmisljas, a da ti mastanje ne bude cilj,

Ako mozes da se suocis sa uspjehom i neuspjehom
i da smatras te dvije varalice kao da su potpuno iste.

Ako mozes da podneses kada cujes
da su istinu, koju si rekao
izvrnuli nitkovi da bi napravili zamku za budale,

Ili da posmatras propast onoga cemu si posvetio cijo zivot,
i da pogrbljen sa dotrajalim alatom ponovo stvaras,

Ako mozes da stavis na gomilu sve sto imas
i da ga bacis na kocku,

izgubis i opet pocnes iz pocetka
i nikad ne izustis rjec o tom svom gubitku,

Ako mozes da prisilis svoje srce i nerve i tetive,
da te sluze dugo iako ih vise nemas,

I tako izdrzis kada nema niceg u tebi
sam volje koja ti dovikuje: "istraj".
Ako mozes da razgovaras sa najnizim,
i da sacuvas svoje dostojanstvo,

ili da setas s kraljevimma,
a da ne izgubis razumevanje za obicne ljude.
Ako ni neprijatelj ni prijatelj ne mogu da te uvrjede,
ako te svi cjene, ali ne suvise,

Ako mozes da ispunis jedan nezaboravan minut
Sadrzajem koji traje sezdeset sekundi,

Tvoja je zemlja i sve sto je na njoj,
i iznad svega bices covjek, sine moj!

Rudyard Kipling 1865-1936. godine (Nobelova nagrada 1907. godine).

How the hell did I put this weight on? 

Last summer (2007) I weighed within my 'normal' range of 147 ... still could drop about 12 pounds ... but Dear God now I am faced with having to drop nearly 50 pounds just to get back to that point.  Shit.

I have been so crazy with hating my circumstances that I have totally lost track of what is most important.  I have gotten away from making good choices and have indulged in food as my crutch. 

Honestly speaking, when I smoked I was healthier.  The large chubby apple in between my chin and my ass is going to kill me faster than a Marlboro!  At least when I smoked I would put down the craving for cake, mac & cheese, or a second helping of dinner and grab my smokes. 

Last November I quit ... and then I started to eat ... then we started fertility treatments ... and then .. then ... yeah ... I grew from pretty fun to pretty fat.  Blah!

A while ago ... nearly 2 years ago ... I had joined Weight Watchers to help me shed off 20 pounds ... I wanted to go from 155 to 135 ... I quickly got down to 147 and then stopped.  Dumb.

What I liked about Weight Watchers was how I didn't have to think about it too much.  The Smart One meals were good, easy to nuke up, and all I need to do was simple first grade math to control how much I was eating.  The meetings were hard for me to get to ... always on the run with a million things going on ... but I saved every scrap of info they gave me. 

I have decided to dig out those scraps and jump back on the WW train ... but this time I will go it alone and see if I can handle the plan online without going to meetings.  I will also up my water intake andgo for walks 3 x week ... even when it's cold outside.  Perhaps I'll play around with my big ol' yoga ball when ice begins to form ... but until then I have no excuse to stay inside and play victim.

I estimate that I will lose about 5 pounds rather quickly, as with all diets, but on average I can lose 2 pounds a week.  I know the holidays will bring about a few obstacles ... and Lord knows all the TTC drugs and hyperstimulation of my ovaries bloat me up ... so I need to set realistic goals within a realistic time-frame.  This, of course, will change when/if we get our BFP and the pregnancy swings happily into the 2nd trimester. 

As it stands now, we'll be starting the Follistim injections next week and my ER will be sometime around the 22nd of October.  This would mean that the 2nd tri wouldn't begin until New Years ... and that gives me about 11 weeks.  Within this time my goal is to get my weight down to 170 by New Years.  At this point I will readjust my goals and talk with my doctor about weight loss/gain during my pregnancy.  If I lose weight faster than anticipated and I reach 170 before New Years, Great!  Maybe at that point I'll push for an extra 5 pounds before Jan. 1 and start the New Year at 165! 

I have to do this.  I can't screw around any longer! 

My ultimate goal is to weigh 135 ... I would be crazy wicked happy ... not to mention HEALTHY at that weight.  Zepwould get more sex than he could ever dream of ... but for now ... ugh ... just the thought of what I look like turns me off ... my poor man will need a blind-fold!  :)

Sooo when shall I begin the WW journey?

Not tomorrow. 

Saturday.

I am picking Saturday because it's a good day ... it's not the typical Monday start date ... it gives me the weekend to pull together my resources ... and it allows for me to enjoy Pancake Day tomorrow with my students without hating on myself too much. 

Ok, so now that I have put all this in writing I have to live up to it.  I can't be 'all talk' ... I have to be accountable!  Tomorrow will be my final thoughtless feast day ... but come Saturday morning I will embrace my given Points and have some fun with being creative. 

I can do this ...

I can do this ...

I will do this!

Dear God, please give me strength!

a beautiful bride, a frankenstein.
a beautiful drop of iodine.
if you were mine, if you were mine,
if you were mine.

Since Wacky has been a constant fixture of my life, I decided to blog about some of the songs/artists which have been getting massive airplay in my tiny world.

After Daniel Powter, I discovered House of Heroes, hailing from Columbus, Ohio, the band is comprised of Tim Skipper, Coling Rigsby, Jared Rigsby, and AJ Babcock. I stumbled upon them from random blog surfing, the post included a vid of their song "IF" from their recently released sophomore album, The End is Not the End. It's a very catchy LOVE song with an upbeat tune and catchy lyrics. I realize that they can be classified as punk rock music. I've also been listening to the Punk Goes series and I have to blog about my experience with Punk Goes Acoustic. I have totally changed my view of punk music, I actually liked it. Despite the fact that House of Heroes has a punk edge to it, I couldn't hide my surprise to find out that they are a faith-based band.

So I did some googling and found out that they have four songs available for download - LEGAL and FREE. You can download IF here while the other three songs, By Your Side, In the Valley of the Dying Son, and Sooner or Later can be downloaded here.

What I want to know is their album available in the sunny island state of Singapore?

If not, I guess I have to satisfy my ears with these four songs right? I posted the If video below:

• Implementada por Dennis Ritchie em 1970 e utilizava o sistema operacional UNIX;

• As linguagens precursoras foram BCPL (Martin Richards) e B (Ken Thompsom);

• Um grande número de implementações de C foram criadas. Para criar um padrão entre todas, foi criado o C padrão ANSI.

C é uma linguagem de médio nível

• C é assim classificada pois combina elementos de linguagens de alto nível (Pascal, BASIC) com a funcionalidade e recursos de linguagens de baixo nível (Assembly).

• Esta característica torna os programas escritos em C portaveis, ou seja, embora desenvolvidos para um tipo de computador podem ser adaptados para outro.

C é uma linguagem estruturada

• Compartimentalização do código e dos dados : dividir e esconder do resto do programa informações necessárias para se realizar uma tarefa;

• Esta característica é atingida pelo uso de funções (isoladas) e variáveis locais. Assim os eventos que ocorrem dentro de cada função não atingem o resto do programa.

• Linguagens modernas apresentam o modelo estruturado.

Compiladores X Interpretadores

• São programas sofisticados que operam sobre o código-fonte do programa;

• Código fonte: O texto de um programa que o usuário pode ler (programa). É a entrada para o compilador;

• Interpretador: Lê o código-fonte linha por linha, e executa a instrução específica contida na linha. Deve estar presente em toda execução;

• Compilador: Lê o programa inteiro e converte-o em um código-objeto, que é a tradução do código-fonte em código de máquina, sendo então passível de execução direta pelo computador (apenas digitando seu nome). Entrada para o linkeditor;

• Tempo de Compilação: Eventos que ocorrem enquanto o programa é compilado (erro de sintaxe - escrita);

• Tempo de Execução: Eventos que ocorrem quando o programa é executado (erro de semântica – significado, lógica);

Forma de um programa em C

• A linguagem C padrão é formada por 32 palavras-chave, cujo número pode variar de acordo com o compilador utilizado;

• Todas as palavras chave são MINÚSCULAS;

• Em C minúsculas e maiúsculas são diferentes, ou seja, else ELSE;

• Todo programa C consiste em uma ou mais funções com funções definidas;

• A única função obrigatória é a main(), que a primeira a ser chamada quando o programa é executado;

A lista de palavras chave é :

auto	double	int	switch
break	enum	long	typedef
case	extern	register	union
char	float	return	unsigned
const	for	short	void
continue	goto	signed	volatile
Do	if	sizeof	while
default	else	static	struct

A forma geral de um programa é:

declarações globais (variáveis, funções e bibliotecas);

tipo main (lista de parâmetros)

{

seqüência de comandos;

}

tipo função1 (lista de parâmetros)

{

seqüência de comandos;

}

.

.

.

tipo funçãon (lista de parâmetros)

{

seqüência de comandos;

}

A biblioteca e a Linkedição

• Todo compilador C vem com uma biblioteca padrão de funções que realizam as tarefas necessárias e mais comuns;

• Portanto uma biblioteca, nada mais é que um arquivo contendo as funções que um programa C pode usar (funções de E/S e outras rotinas úteis);

• O padrão ANSI especifica o conjunto mínimo de funções que pode variar de compilador para compilador;

• As bibliotecas básicas mais utilizadas para problemas simples são: <stdio.h>=e/s;<math.h>=recursos matemáticos, etc....

• Para executar as mesmas em programas, temos a sintaxe:

#include <bibliot>

• O linkeditor combina o código-objeto do programa escrito com o código objeto das funções da biblioteca C padrão e gera um programa executável.

Compilação de um programa

Criação do programa

Compilação do programa

Linkedição do programa com as funções

Obs.: A maioria dos compiladores já vem com editores que texto para feitura dos programas. Em outros onde não estes não estão inclusos deve-se usar editores padrão para criar o programa.

Expressões em C

Tipos básicos de Dados

Informa ao compilador a forma de tratamento de dados;

• O tamanho e faixa de valores variam com o tipo de processador e compilador. São eles:

1. inteiro (int)= ocupa geralmente 1 byte;

2. caracter(char)= ocupa geralmente 2 bytes representados por valores definidos pelo conjunto de caracteres ASCII

3. ponto flutuante(float)= depende da representação

4. ponto flutuante de precisão dupla (double)= idem anterior;

5. sem valor (void)= define funções sem retorno.

Modificadores de tipo básicos

• São usados para alterar o significado de um tipo básico para adapta-lo mais precisamente às necessidades de diversas situações;

• Devem preceder os tipos quando da declaração de variáveis;

• São: signed (com sinal), unsigned(sem sinal), short(curto), long (longo)

Todos os tipos de dados definidos no padrão ANSI

Tipo	Tamanho aproximado em bits	Faixa
Char	8	-127 a 127
Unsigned char	8	0 a 255
Signed char	8	-127 a 127
Int	16	-32767 a 32767
Unsigned int	16	0 a 65535
Signed int	16	O mesmo que int
Short int	16	O mesmo que int
Unsigned short int	16	0 a 65535
Signed short int	16	O mesmo que short int
Long int	32	-2.147.483.647 a 2.147.483.647
Signed long int	32	O mesmo que long int
Unsigned long int	32	0 a 4.294.967.295
Float	32	Seis digitos de precisão
Double	64	Dez dígitos de precisão
Long double	80	Dez dígitos de precisão

Variáveis

• Uma variável é uma posição nomeada de memória que é usada para guardar um valor que pode ser modificado pelo programa;

• Todas as variáveis a serem utilizadas em um programa devem ser declaradas antes de serem usadas;

• A forma geral (sintaxe) é:

tipo lista de variáveis;

onde tipo é qualquer tipo de dados válido em C padrão e lista de variáveis pode consistir em um ou mais nomes de identificadores separados por vírgulas;

Identificadores

• São nomes dados a funções, variáveis e outros objetos definidos pelo usuário;

• Pode ter de um a diversos caracteres (6 quando estiver envolvido em linkedição e 31 quando não estiver). O número é definido pelo compilador;

• Deve começar com uma letra ou um sublinhado “_” e os caracteres subseqüentes devem ser letra, números ou sublinhados.

• Não pode ser igual a uma palavra chave;

• Letras maiúsculas e minúsculas são tratadas diferentes então = cont, Cont e CONT são identificadores distintos.

Exemplos:

Correto	Incorreto
Count	1count
teste23	hi!there
nome_alu	nome…aluno

Onde as variáveis são declaradas

1. Variáveis Globais: Declaradas fora de todas as funções. É conhecida, utilizada, alocada, e mantém seu valor enquanto o programa estiver em execução.

2. Variáveis Locais: Declaradas internamente as funções ou blocos “{ }”. São conhecidas e utilizadas somente no bloco de comandos onde foram criadas. Existem apenas enquanto o bloco em que foram declaradas está sendo executado.

3. Parâmetros Formais: Se uma função usa argumentos, estas variáveis devem ser declaradas. Sua validade na função é idêntica a das variáveis locais.

Exemplos:

Global

#include <stdio.h>

int x;

void main (void)

{

}

Local

#include <stdio.h>

void main (void)

{

int x;

}

ou

void main (void)

{

int I;

I=10;

{

int j;

j=10

}

Parametro formal

#include <stdio.h>

void main (void)

{

...

}

void f1 (int i)

{

I=2+5;

}

Inicialização de variáveis

• Valores podem ser dados as variáveis no momento da declaração;

• Sintaxe: tipo nome_da_variável = constante;

• Exemplos:

char ch = ’a’;

int first = 0;

float balance = 123.23;

Constantes

São valores fixos que o programa não pode alterar;

• Pode ser dos cinco valores básicos de C;

• Constantes caracter: envolvidas por aspas simples (ex.:‘Cascavel’),

• Constantes inteiras: especificadas com números sem componentes fracionários (ex.:10,-100),

• Constante ponto flutuante: requerem o ponto decimal seguido da parte fracionária no número (ex.: 11.23)

• Constantes string: Conjunto de caracteres colocados entre aspas duplas. Exemplo: “Curitiba é a capital do Paraná” é uma string.

• Constantes caracter de barra inversa: A grande maioria das constantes caracter podem ser impressas. Porem outros caracteres como “retorno do carro” ou “pular uma linha” são impossíveis inserir pelo teclado por uma representação gráfica. Assim, estas constantes definem caracteres não impressos pelos comandos de saída.

Alguns exemplos:

código	Significado
\n	Nova linha
\a	Alerta (beep)
\b	Retrocesso
\r	Retorno de carro

Operadores

• Operador de atribuição: Representado pelo caracter “=” e estabelece a sintaxe : nome_da_variável = valor

exemplo: i =10;

Também pode definir atribuições múltiplas: i = j = x = 10;

• Operadores Aritméticos: Realizar operações elementares da matemática entre dados numéricos. A tabela abaixo aponta os principais operadores e a ordem de prioridade de execução dos mesmos.

maior

Operador	Ação
++ --	Incremento e Decremento
-	Menos
* / %	Multiplicação, divisão e resto divisão inteira
+ -	Soma e subtração

menor

Obs.1: O operador de incremento soma um a seu operando e o de decremento subtrai um de seu operando. Assim: x = x+1 é o mesmo que x++ e que ++x. E x = x-1 é o mesmo que x-- ou --x. Quando são usados em expressões a posição determina a ordem se execução, ou seja:

x =10; y = ++x; o y recebeu 11 e

x=10; y=x++; o y recebeu 10 e x recebeu 11

Obs2.: Existe uma variante do comando de atribuição chamado de C reduzido, que simplifica a codificação de um certo tipo de operações de atribuição. Por exemplo: x = x +10; pode ser reescrito como x += 10; Assim, podemos reduzir o código para quaisquer operadores aritméticos através da sintaxe: var operador=expressão

Operadores Relacionais e Lógicos

• Operadores Relacionais servem para comparar números: >, >=, <,<=, = =, !=.

• Operadores Lógicos resultam valores verdadeiro e falso para expressões e regem os resultados a partir destas combinações lógicas: &&, !!, ! (e, ou e não).

• As expressões podem combinar os dois tipos de operadores e o resultado sempre será verdadeiro (em C qualquer valor diferente de 0) ou falso (em C é 0)

• A tabela verdade para os operadores lógicos podem descritas como:

Precedência

maior

!

> >= < <=

= = !=

&&

!!

menor

Operadores Parênteses “( )”: Alteram a ordem de execução das expressões. Os primeiros cálculos a serem resolvidos pelo compilador são os escritos nos parênteses mais internos. Ex.: x = 1* (2+3)

Resumo das Precedências

Maior

( )

++ -- -

- / %

+ -

< <= > >=

= = !=

!

&&

!!

= += - = *= /=

Menor

Download

Para fazer o download do DEV-CPP clique no link abaixo

http://www.bloodshed.net/devcpp.html

Bentornati a Top Of The Mascalzone! Oggi vi presento in esclusiva la nuova canzone della mia idola: Beyoncè!

La canzone si intitola If I Were A Boy, in cui nel testo Bee si mette nei panni di un ragazzo sapendo però ovviamente tutte le cose che passano le ragazze. La canzone è una bella ballata ma non è l’unica canzone che farà uscire Beyoncè. Infatti l’uscita del suo terzo album sarà anticipata da una double realise, vale a dire che un singolo sarà mandato in america e un altro nel resto del mondo contemporaneamente. Per l’altro singolo dovremmo ancora aspettare: si sa solo che si intitolerà Single Ladies e sarà una uptempo !(canzone ritmata)

Bhè adesso vi lascio il link della canzone dove potete trovare anche il testo:

http://y100.elvisduran.com/pages/news/beyonce/

Voto:9

Pillole Dal Passato

La pillola dal passato di questa settimana è Can’t Fight The Moonlight di Leann Rimes. Canzine anche questa molto famosa, è impossibile non averla mia sentita. Il ritornello quando entra in testa non vuole più uscire! Inoltre anche il testo è molto bello e carico di significato. Tratto dalla colonna sonora di Le ragazze del Coyote Ugly ecco Can’t Fight The Moonlight!:

Alla prossima!

Dal vostro blogghista MascalzoneSimpa

Gestern Nacht ist es mir sehr schwer gefallen einzuschlafen. Ständig musste ich darüber nachdenken, mir selbst nicht mehr helfen zu können. Alles geht wieder aufs gleiche hinaus, einpaar Wochen schaffe ich es mich auf einer guten FrequenzLaune zu halten und wsccht geht wieder alles in den Keller. Ich kann nicht andauernt ein Lächeln zaubern, und mich jedem so zeigen wie sie es wöllten.
Nein, ich werde mir kein längeres Bein amputieren lassen, ich werde mich nicht weniger schminken, meine Piercings abnehmen, anfangen andere Musik zu hören und schon ganz nicht mich der Gesellschaft anschließen.

Bin ich etwa doch blind oder tue ich zu wenig?

Ich mein ich habe mich selbst in einem Sportverein - Verein angemeldet indem ich andauernt allein gegen die Wand spielen musste weil ich nie einen Partner hatte. Auch in der Schule gehöre ich immer zu der Gruppe die einen zuwenig hat. 2er Partnerarbeiten mache ich entweder zu 3tt oder allein. Wieso weisst mich jeder ab geht überhaupt auf mich zu, bin ich denn so schrecklich, habe ich denn so eine Negative Aura/Anziehung (was auch immer). Selbst die Arogantesste, Hinterlässtigste oder Despressivste Person findet freunde Menschen, oder sogar Zugeigung. Von all dem finde ich nicht mal einen. Da kann es doch nicht mehr an mir liegen.

Ich fühle mich schrecklich und ertrage diesen druck nicht mehr, der mich manchmal zu boden drückt. Immer und immer tiefer falle ich in ein schwarzes loch von Gefühlen, die ich verzweifelt zu verstehen versuche. Ich weiss nicht wie oft ich noch falle, wie oft ich noch aufstehen kann, wie lange ich das noch mitmache, aber ich ständig das Gefühl, das so nicht mehr schaffen zu können.Wie oft habe ich versucht etwas zu verändern, ich kann nicht mehr.

Anyways.

Had my followup with the RE yesterday.

All my bloodwork came back perfect so no issue there.  The husband's came back good as well.

The RE started me on Metformin and will add Clomid next month.  The husband is also on Clomid due to a borderline low testosterone.

So that is that.  I've got my SHG on Friday- RE wanted to investigate further the "pooch" at the top of my ute.  I guess we'll see what that pans out to be.

Other than all that, nothing much is going on.  Had some friends in town over the weekend which was fun.  They have a three year old and an 18 month old.  Good times.  The Bronco dog was terrified of them.  It was his first run in with small humans and he really didn't know how to react.  By the time they went home all was well between the small humans and the large dog.

Due to the husband's love of going out to eat when company is in town combined with not being able to get out to walk when them here the weight loss slowed this week.  But no fear- back on the wagon this week!

If you can dream---and not make dreams your master;
If you can think---and not make thoughts your aim,
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same:.
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build'em up with worn-out tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings,
And never breathe a word about your loss:
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings---nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much:
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And---which is more---you'll be a Man, my son!

If you can dream — and not make dreams your master;
  If you can think — and not make thoughts your aim,
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
  And treat those two impostors just the same:.
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
  Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
  And stoop and build'em up with worn-out tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
  And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings,
  And never breathe a word about your loss:
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
  To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
  Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
  Or walk with Kings — nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
  If all men count with you, but none too much:
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
  With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
  And which is more; you'll be a Man, my son!

Teacher's day and Google's logo in Bulgaria customised accordingly. Favourite teachers from school days come to mind, especially the one who made us recite Kipling's If. To Sir, with Love ...

Half a bottle of red wine and 2 strong white Russians later I am here at my desk with only a strand of my sanity left ... not enough to hang myself with ... but more than enough to dangle from in this lonely little place we abbreviate as "IF". 

I'm not a drinker.

I'm not a smoker.

Tonight ... I am both. 

Why?

Because I can ... which is more than I can say about getting pregnant in the first place and keeping a pregnancy in the second.

So ... fuck it.

If at this point you want to turn a deaf ear or a blind eye to my writing than go for it ... I won't lose sleep ... no offence.

If, on the other hand, you know how this feels ... then read on ... at best I will confirm that you're not alone.

I want to preface this by announcing that Zep and I have agreed to silently go through an IVF cycle with our new RE ... and without anyone in our circle of family or friends.  The 17th will be our start date ... if all goes well we'll have our ER on/about Halloween.  Am I excited? Yes.  Do I have my hopes up? No. Am I bitter? Whatever!

* drink *

I have been bleeding for nearly 5 weeks now.  Every time I go to the bathroom it's like a tug on my sleeve saying, "Hey, look at that ... remember what happened on Sept. 9th?" 

I go to work and witness the daily parade of bellies coming down the hallway.  I can't help but to think to myself as I watch them all:

"Unplanned. Not wanted. Druggie! Has five already!  Not married. Didn't want any. Bitches!" etc, etc, etc! 

Do I really think they're bitches ... no ... but it makes me feel better in some sort of wacko way.  Hey, at least I can admit that much!

* drink *

So here it is ...the picture of my day ... my week ... my fuckin' life!

Zep is sick again.  Surgery #4 was yesterday.  He'll be out of work again for 6-8 weeks.  Disability denied his claim because he's already used up this years allotment.  He is being dx with Osteomelonotitis... or something like that ... it can never be cured and will haunt him forever!  It is a cousin to the staph infection he contracted last March following surgery #2 on his right foot.  They 'thought' the infection had been cured while he was on home IV fusion; however, a new bacterial infection was found in May and the home IV continued with a diff. antibiotic routine.  At the beginning of June they took the picc line out and gave him oral antibiotics.  Two weeks later he was back in the hospital.  This time he was dx with Babesiostis ... or something like that.  It is from a tick bite.  A form of Rocky Mounted Spotted Fever, a deadly form of Lymes ... but curable via ... you guessed it ... antibiotics!  Ok, fine.  Ultrasounds showed that his liver and spleen were now enlarged.  Great.  Does the fun ever end?  His Platelet count was down to 35,000 ... it is suppose to be around 350,000.  Any lower and we'd be matching me up as a blood donor for my husband.  Long story short, the antibiotics worked and he was cured ... again. 

By the middle of August his foot was swollen again and he was limping ... again.  This time I told him he needed to cut the apron strings from his Mom and seek a specialist ... a real live professional foot doctor!  What an original thought! 

Right away Zep was given a script for a MRI.  The day after my m/c we found out that the infection was alive and well ... in fact, it may now be a life-long illness and he could lose a portion of his toe/foot ... surgery would have to be scheduled right away and another picc line would need to be put into his body so that another round of home IV fusion could be started and so that the doctors could take a biopsy of the bone.  Fuck.

Yesterday he had that surgery.

It was a long night.  He's on bed-rest ... or better, couch-rest.  I slept in the recliner so that I would be near in-case he needed me during the night.  He woke up at 12:30am and 5:30am ... other than that he was OK. 

Still ... this black cloud feels as if it is lowering over us and cutting off oxygen to our dreams. 

Two of our best friends came over to visit.  I've known her (we'll call her Noel) for 20 years ... she is truly my best friend.  She and her hubby have been through a lot ... including TTC for the last year and eight months.  Although she has not had to venture down the path of having a RE ... she has tasted the disappointment of AF and has had the angst of fear and rejection from motherhood that so many of us feel.  That being said, I was not prepared for her to tell me tonight ... in the midst of my ranting about how sick Zep is ... that she is 7 weeks preggo.  Her news was wonderful. Her timing sucked.

I should have jumped up and hugged her.

I should have screamed and squealed!

I should have high fived her and kissed her sweet glowing face.

Instead I sat there and smiled, congratulated her, and then poured myself a glass of wine.

Then my mother showed up and was given the news, too.

She expressed everything that I should have ... and I hated myself even more.

Then it dawns on me.  She considers Noel a daughter ... which means my mother's first grandchild won't even be from me.  Shit. Stab. Drink!

So what do I do? 

I throw on my defensive gear and go all out.

I'm getting a puppy.  I'm going to finish school in July and begin my Doctoral program next fall.  I'm going to travel.  I'm going to go on a cruise.  I'm going to focus on my career.  Whatever ... I'm not going to live the happily ever after, wonderful Mommy, strapping healthy life that I thought I would!  Hello white Russians and Marlboro lights!

Why the hell not!?!  Everyone who has gotten pregnant around me in the last year has been either not married, a heavy smoker, a druggie, someone who didn't want kids, someone who already has many children, or someone who is a homosexual.

Now ... before I get a bunch of hate mail for saying that ... hear me out.

I don't give a shit what your lifestyle is ... I think everyone should have children who wants them ... but for crying out loud ... was it wrong of me to think that being married, drug-free, and with a good job held rewards in motherhood?  Even my lesbian friends shake their heads and  preggo-bellies ... even they feel for my frustration and jest with me about a man on Oprah getting pregnant and having a baby before I can. 

So here I sit with a buzz and an award for Asshole of the Year for not being more excited for my best friend.  Zep is on the couch hyped up with pain killers.  My mom is wringing her hands at home with happiness for Noel and grief for me.  Still, I am alive ... and I for the most part, am healthy ... everything happens for a reason ... right? 

I know our next IVF could have me looking back at this blog entry a month from now with one hell of a laugh.  Shit, a year from now I could be reading this with a baby in my arms and a smile on my face.  Who knows.  Maybe if I could have told Noel and my Mother what we were doing I would have felt better ... but I knew that for now it had to be kept a secret so I didn't say a word. 

Damn. 

I'm out of Vodka.

-> Para exprimir leis naturais.

If + Present Simple + Present Simple

If water boils, it turns into steam

First Conditional

-> Para falar de uma situação ou acontecimento que é possível acontecer no passado ou no futuro

If + Present Simple + Future

If i study, i will have good marks

-> Para dar uma ordem ou conselho

If + Present Simple + Imperative

If i ask you, answer!

Nota: A distinção em usar o Imperativo e o Futuro é que o Futuro vem acompanhado de sujeito e o Imperativo nunca tem o sujeito antes do verbo.

Second Conditional

-> Para falar de situações que são impossíveis ou irreais.

If + past simple + conditional

If i had time, i would study more

Third Conditional

->Para falar de coisas impossíveis no passado, imaginar coisas que não aconteceram.

If + past perfect + conditional perfect

If i had saw that, i would have been sad

Unless

-> Significa "a nao ser que"/"se não". Utiliza-se para substituir o "if not"

Example:

If i don´t do the homework, i will have bad marks

Unless i do my homework, i will have bad marks

Modal Verbs

Existem certos verbos que substituem certos tempos.

Os verbos representados pelo tempo Futuro são:

- Will

- may

- Can

- Shall

Example:

If i study, i can have good marks

Os verbos que vêm no tempo Conditional são:

- Would

- Could

-Might

-Should

Example:

If i had time, i should study more

I have a friend who is not, or indeed was not, a Malcolm McDowell fan, but's he's doing some freelance work for the men's free weekly magazine, Shortlist.

So he Gchats me the other day:

"WTF do I ask Malcolm McDowell? I don't know who he is".

"Say, when my friend was dragged out of her bed by her mum at the tender age of around 10 to watch "IF...", was her mum doing the right thing?" I said.

Because that friend is me. Oh - and McDowell is promoting the DVD release of 'NEVER APOLOGIZE' (sic), a filmed anecdote-filled lecture about IF-director, Lindsay Anderson via Shortlist and others, but my friend didn't know at the time.

My mum, liker her hero Margaret Thatcher, doesn't need much sleep.

If it's 2 am she's probably hoovering, making jam with her allotment-grown berries or watching either a schlocky Robert Rodriquez-esque (she likes him but not Tarantino...ridicuous) movie or an art-house movie on BBC 2.

Anyway, when I was about 10 or 12, I was in bed one night, just drifting off into sleep, when I get woken up by my mum tugging my arm.

"Bienchen" , she says. It means "little bee" in German, and is my family nickname. " Get out of bed, 'IF..." is on tv and it's a good film, you should watch it."

So, I'm groggy and in pjs, but go downstairs and watch it with mum.

I'm like, way too young and don't really get why this is more important than a good night's sleep before school, but the memory has stayed with me forever. (I don't even think she remembers it.)

It's funny because it is about rebelling against British private school and there I was the next morning going to one....

Anyway, I heard back from my freelancing friend that night:

"He was really into it. He says your mum did the right thing, he says "IF..." is a very important film."

And then, totally unrelated my mum emails me.

She says: 'I have just voted in that BFI Visions For The Future thing, where you vote for the one film you want to show future generations, as part of its 75th birthday. I voted for Lindsay Anderson's 'IF..." because it such a good film."

As I said, she won't remember dragging me outta bed that night; so this unrelated interview and vote thing pretty much shows how deadset she is on future generations (me, in her case), seeing the movie.

Also, she's totally awesome because clearly, she thinks like Stewart Tillman, chair of the UK Film Council, who was the one who said IF should be in the top 75 films on which people should vote. (His video interview here)

Nuts. I'm thinking, maybe I'll rent it.... or if it wins the nations vote, it'll be screened at the Southbank in January anyway. Bring your sleepy kids!

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="185" caption="Malcolm Mcdowell - then"][/caption]
N.B : I had a poke around on Shortlist, but its search functionality seems to not work, as I typed in four journalists' names that work there and it couldn't find anything, including the eventual McDowell piece.

E se amar não precisasse briga

E justiça não requeresse luta

E se perder fosse parte da disputa

E se fosse humano a gente envelhecer

(Climério Ferreira)

 C

Cl

 Click on the Wrist band and the Jade Necklace will apear jade necklace

click the lighthouse for the black scuba mask.
well until next time…    Waddle on!

- Pink Ster