One of those "wha...huh?" kind of days.

.

The addictions of life may well run into infinity, but the addiction of wanting to let someone want you or oneself is something that would never run out of fashion, I'm not all that good with words, I'm just decent with twirling them with emotions that make situations complicated to get out of, the addiction, again, of dreaming is sensible, but when sterile actions take control and press charges for the obvious, what's left is just the soul'less addicted self that one has to handle and hold within oneself or let loose onto an other for safety, security and probably for the comfort feeling of being secure. What's succeeded is what's important and  worthy of looking and answering, but what if the very cause is deceit? What then, how would you answer to yourself the very question that has been anticipated to be the most disturbing of all thoughts and problems that one has to live with, maybe strength, strength again, through addiction, strength through resources, strength through comfort and strength through numbers. But when life kills you anyway, what would one possibly want out of it? Is it the congregation of thoughts to keep oneself happy, or is it the absolute need of not letting go and looking over the thin divide and lie to oneself.

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Such exactly is the altercation between infatuation and love, there's no such rational divide that exists, there's just random thoughts and again, encrypted messages not to be decrypted in public or outside self, the very action of "investing so heavily" onto something momentary is to ensure that this life before death is worth a penny or even more, well in INR it's got to be some paisa, to understand the aimless aim's everyone's been chasing is more than a philosophy in itself, understanding it purely and putting the derivations to action is tuff, the madness that it leaves behind is sadly evident, the wreck, it makes oneself to, is definitely a pleasing sight, specially when all that you think that you have done has been dismissed efficiently into a platter full of gutter charm and composure, then one would ask why celebration? Why at all, that's the basic paradox of it all, theres no certain explanation to what it could be and what it should and what exactly it is, but the complex connections and routes within the tunnels that would rather meet and pretend to dissolve themselves into the gloomy shadows one would want to leave and move ahead pretending to look for, at exactly where they left behind, but if all you left behind were a forest of shadows, where would light penetrate into the flow of thoughts and make you realize that all you had for yourself was nothing better than what the frog in the well had thought of itself, a master, the ultimate power, but all that would again need an re-inforcement and that's exactly what life is all about.

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It's about reinforcing the doubt into clarity, it's not about doing it yourself, it's about getting it done and feeling secure about what has been done and living in a fear of being discarded and disapproved of what has just been accomplished, life has nothing much more to offer, it's all about a second chance of making one believe in what one wants to believe but would not because there's been no hand-of-god to suggest what has been said and what has to be done is right and will be so, forever, but that's when the lying get's to the picture, it surpasses the need, the necessity of human emancipation to the truthful but would rather bet it's dime on relying on the blatant lies of the second fiddle to just let know the comforts of numbers and the wonders of divided trust and belief. Simply put, the remote control has been safely given to pals and family for an efficient entertaining life through channels and records that one would want to juxtapose with life itself that maybe some day one would wonder about what happened to the tape and why are they voices interposing each other with screams and laughter at the same time, coming back, like we have never deviated, the thin line between infatuation and love falls in the category of thoughts expressed, it's more than reinforcement, it's the juxtaposition of life itself onto the ideal commotion of feelings and horrendous belief's that things can be true, they can be better for better and not worse, they can make someone sense the innermost desire of fulfillment of need through some one who is not you, when life can drench oneself out of the common sense and the guts to make see for themselves that the truth, may not always be told, still beholds the power than the consensus, maybe it's time that you have thought and thought hard about what has been said and how true it has been, I wonder some times, the weak, the meek, have an altogether life carved for themselves in their hearts and that is something that they have learn't to live with, to live without questioning, to live without self opposition, to live without deriving the logical and to suppress the rest for no explainable reason but to believe than in something that is not them.

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Come to think of it, life kills you anyway, so why bother . . .

My stomach is twisting, turning, and churning like the rough ocean in a storm.  I get surges of these overwhelming feelings of loss and pain through my body and I'm paralyzed until they pass.  I'm a mess.  I'm a freaking mess.

But yet I keep going to work like I'm supposed to, I keep busy with my hobbies every night, chatting with friends on the phone or IM, and trying to make it through the day.  It's all because I'm so organized and anal.  It's all because I'm so controlling.  It's all because I can't fail at anything.  Those reasons are what keep me "moving" even if it's sometimes in a haze/fog/daze/zombie-like-state/comatose but still moving/going through the motions behavior.

If it weren't for my control factor I would be in my bed crying in the dark waiting for time to pass...waiting for the days to keep on moving.  I'd be losing my job, letting my house turn to shit, hobbies collect dust, while friends and family would come in and out to try to break me from this feeling but wouldn't be able to.  Instead I sit here in pain forcing myself to "live my new (empty bottomless free falling) life."

I feel like I've lost everything that I built the last 10 years and for some reason the only thing that bothers me about that is that I have sell my house, pack and move.  I'm scared to pick a new place to buy on my own since it's so permanent. I wish I wasn't doing all of this decision making alone.  My family will help and come with me to see places when it's time but it's such a large decision. One I can't even ponder lately without becoming sick inside.  And then I must force myself to stop thinking about it and focus on something else.

I can't concentrate at work.  I'm not getting anything done.  My mind swims like my stomach does.  I'm a friggin ship out of control on the choppiest, stormiest water you've ever seen.  I'm surprised I still have a job.  Sometimes I can't even get out of bed in the morning (but I do) and I'm almost late to work.  I sit there in a daze watching the giant numbers on the clock flip every sixty seconds...waiting for the day to end.  To get home and do what??  I get home and I'm back to the SILENCE and loneliness that are my nights.  I can't think of anything else but these swimming feelings inside.  Sometimes I'm fine and then there they are!  I try to divert my attention from those feelings but I can't think of anything else.

Hmmm...what else can I think about...what else can I divert my attention to? Hmmm...I don't know.  I'm not sure what else to focus on (hobbies and conversation with friends don't always work)!  I've tried everything else and the my mind still goes to one thing.... this strange fixation I have on someone who is so far away that it's like they don't really exist. Someone that I never fully even got to have a chance to be with before they left.  Someone that I don't want to regret ever letting into my life but I end up wondering if I really would have wanted to be with him if he was around for a lot longer to find out.

Now I just pine away thinking about him like a lost friggin puppy dog.  I think it's because I'm dreaming up a reality that might not have even been there but I have no idea.  So, it's hard to just be like "oh forget him" - if the whole thing is such an unknown to me.

I'm trying to have restraint (from being the first one to text, first one to IM, first one to just make contact).  I know he doesn't have a chance to miss me if I'm always there...

I know it's because I have nothing else to center my attention on so the fixation goes to him.  He has no idea of this...it's just something I am doing to myself.

Damn ocean of emotions!

Damn racing mind!

Damn feelings!

Damn heart!

Damn!

dazed & confused에 실릴 사진을위해 청담동의 UFO studio를 갔다.

이번 기사는 DJ특집이라 우리중에 시간이 되는 DJ들이 가서 360을

대표하여 사진을 찍었는데 서은영실장님이 스타일링 해주신 옷을

입으니 느낌이 달랐다.우리셋다 처음보는 어색한 옷차림에 서로의

눈도 잘 못마주치고 그랬으나 촬영이 시작되면서 부터 역시 프로마인드로

어중뜨고 어색하고 딴곳보고 그냥 다 굳어버려서 으하하하하하하ㅏㅎ

8월호 Dazed에서 ch,ch,ch,ch,check it out !

함께해준 솔네누나,쿠마형,휘황 모두 수고하셨습니다=

Photograph by pl9300

…and if I could not read or write I would be crippled

the soul of words…
if this sight could not recognize the little shapes I saw before me…
if this heart could not feel their essence as I felt the world around me…
if this mind could not understand their meaning, grasp it’s power…
if this hand trembled at holding the sword of conveyance…

I would fade away and disappear.

I would have no voice
                      no thought
                      no mind
                      no heart

I would be everywhere but still never there
I would linger about
dazed in and out
weaving
stumbling
staggering
groping
lost through life

I would be broken, shattered, scattered
a call lost in the wind
a cry lost in the darkness
blind with sight
deaf with music

I would be crippled

crippled...

- Raatkiranii (K.F.S)

Chris, Arran and Max of Super Indelible have created yet more beauty at the Chateau Roux shop in Newburgh Street.

Some of Chris’s past work includes projects for X-box, Zoo York, Jones Lang Lasalle, Pernod, Asos, Don’t Panic and Rough Trade, while being featured in Dazed and Confused Magazine.

See more at www.superindelible.blogspot.com and www.chateauroux.co.uk

www.october.co.uk
t shirt printing, screen printing, embroidery

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Sketch I just did of how I feel. Why is it so hard to find a job in this town? And the fact that there's NOWHERE to display my art is really getting me down. I'm beginning to wonder why I even left Fairhope...

1 Candy store /2 4 Minutes /3 Give it 2 me /4 Heartbeat /5 Miles away /6 She's not me /7 Incredible /8 Beat goes on /9 Dance tonight /10 Spanish Lesson /11 Devil /12 Voices

Álem das musicas que não entraram no álbum (ou tiveram os titulos trocados)
Across the sky / Ring my bell* / La la

* Ring my Bell será bônus Track na edição japonesa de "Hard Candy"

(lembrando que a foto utilizada neste texto é da revista Dazed & Confused, que estara na bancas do mundo inteiro apartir do dia 13/03, e futuramente será sua 9º capa da "Vanity Fair" e também para a revista "Q" em abril.)

Que folego hein... se todos seguissem o exemplo !!! Seja criativo e não copiem ( a não ser quer solicitem a devida permissão por e-mail)

1 Candy store /2 4 Minutes /3 Give it 2 me /4 Heartbeat /5 Miles away /6 She's not me /7 Incredible /8 Beat goes on /9 Dance tonight /10 Spanish Lesson /11 Devil /12 Voices

Álem das musicas que não entraram no álbum (ou tiveram os titulos trocados)
Across the sky / Ring my bell* / La la

* Ring my Bell será bônus Track na edição japonesa de "Hard Candy"

(lembrando que a foto utilizada neste texto é da revista Dazed & Confused, que estara na bancas do mundo inteiro apartir do dia 13/03, e futuramente será sua 9º capa da "Vanity Fair" e também para a revista "Q" em abril.)

Que folego hein... se todos seguissem o exemplo !!! Seja criativo e não copiem ( a não ser quer solicitem a devida permissão por e-mail)

Lovefoxxx, a vocalista do CSS, gosta de revistas gringas. Ela está na capa da Dazed & Confused desse mês . Quer ver um making of do ensaio? Clique aqui.

Making of Dazed & Confused

A revista inglesa Dazed & Confused arrasou em sua última edição com a matéria sobre o fenômeno francês Tecktonik, uma dança saída de clubes da periferia de Paris que hoje se tornou símbolo da cultura urbana francesa. Mais do que uma hype passageiro, a Tecktonik, como mostra a matéria, se consolidou como um dos mais originais movimentos jovens nos últimos anos na Europa.

Já falamos da Tecktonik há muito tempo aqui no Blog do Júnior. Além de seus passos típicos (veja vídeo para entender melhor), roupas neon, calças skinny e cabelos assimétricos definem o visual dos Tecktoníacos. O movimento, típicamente jovem, hoje estrapola as discotecas com batalhas de dança acontecendo nas ruas e praças públicas. Grandes conglomerados da música e da TV já começaram a monetizar o negócio. É o caso da gravadora EMI que registrou o termo "tecktonik" para fazer uso em CDs de coletâneas, e da rede TF1 (espécie de Rede Globo da França), que pretende lançar um programa na TV com batalhas de dança.

Jr*

Lei também:
Sexxxquenta… Yelle!!!
Tektonik é a coreô que dita nova postura nas pistas eletrônicas

slamat naman at ntapos din ung test namen..hehe..tatlo lng naman un.. filipino, ep tska physics..hehe..grbe ung sa value, nkakanoseblid..kala q 2luyan ng dudugo ilong ko dun..nkakabaliw kc ung mga choices per question..hlos lhat tama...parang lhat 2loy pocble na maging answer..hehe

hehe..ung sa physics nman!..ehem kumusta naman un..pero mas ok un kesa sa value.<shockiNgz!.. fave subj q pa nman values>.. eh ung filipino nman...ahem...ahem..grbe un!. cnu kaya gumawa nun??.. grbe tlga!...me mga question na di nman dpat kasali!...

nkakaAzAr tlga!... Oh yun..yan nangyri ngayon.. tc sa laht and GOD bless!!

I was fascinated! Pretty much utter perfection in my humble opinion, and squeal squeal, an Asian face on a Chanel ad! None of that "ooh is Lindsay Lohan going to be the next face?" hype, this is quiet and chic and very classy. Shot by Karl Lagerfeld, I wondered who this was. The only one I could think of was Tang Wei, the Lust, Caution actress - but it certainly did not look like her.

Little did I know it was Rinko Kikuchi, the brilliant Japanese actress in Babel. Did you catch that show? If you haven't, you absolutely must watch it - she gave the most moving performance as a deaf/mute student. She looks almost unrecognisable from her role in the movie, where she was mostly void of makeup:

A quick snoop snoop around the webosphere led me to the other pictures shot in this series:

She appeared in another amazing fashion spread recently, I think she looks great dolled up! I enjoy the intensity of the shots - here she is in Dazed and Confused - November 2007:

I was fascinated! Pretty much utter perfection in my humble opinion, and squeal squeal, an Asian face on a Chanel ad! None of that "ooh is Lindsay Lohan going to be the next face?" hype, this is quiet and chic and very classy. Shot by Karl Lagerfeld, I wondered who this was. The only one I could think of was Tang Wei, the Lust, Caution actress - but it certainly did not look like her.

Little did I know it was Rinko Kikuchi, the brilliant Japanese actress in Babel. Did you catch that show? If you haven't, you absolutely must watch it - she gave the most moving performance as a deaf/mute student. She looks almost unrecognisable from her role in the movie, where she was mostly void of makeup:

A quick snoop snoop around the webosphere led me to the other pictures shot in this series:

She appeared in another amazing fashion spread recently, I think she looks great dolled up! I enjoy the intensity of the shots - here she is in Dazed and Confused - November 2007:

I have been downloading songs like crazy.My hard-disk can burst out any minute.I'm going completely mad.Every minute I feel like listening to all my favourite songs. Sometimes, I'll desperately want an i-pod or a mp3.I guess I'm going mad, Its giving me head-aches.In the End, it's also taking me away from them. What a Paradox !

This weeks been good in some way. I was able to finish my work on time. ( even if not completely.) I have Decided and made a resolution for myself- I'm never going to Procrastinate ever in my Life. Apart from that, it was a well balanced week with tests going well. I have finally started to like ACE ( for some strange reason ) and am writing down notes and doing assignments regularly. Maybe, I'll never feel like Bunking again. I've noticed how that habbit had gotten into me. And I don't like it when my friends make a strange face when I bunk.

I found this beautiful picture in some site. It means so much...

It's all About Breaking away...
The feeling of Freedom...

I think I have also develpoed a passion for photography lately.
I just feel like taking pictures many times.
Most importantly, I feel like the creative part of me is fading away slowly...I know, everone's got a creative side to themselves.The trick is in keeping it active and alive. Is this what the study of "science" doing to me ?
But isnt' science creative in its own way!?Ok. The thoughts are random enough. :)

Note-I had never thought that Blogs can lighten up our hearts so much. And yeah, I feel that smileys are very Expressive. :) Cheers !!

Song-Unwritten by Natasha Bedingfield.

I am on a quest to let as many people as I can know my opinion about anti-depressants based on my own experience with 10 years of being on different ones.

First of all in the beginning you think things are wonderful so to speak, but as time goes on things just are not fine. I'm not saying that drugs don't have their place, I am just saying don't just jump and get on them or let the Dr's put your CHILDREN on them. Check things out carefully

My experience was a long hard scary, gut renching horrible, ugly about 5 years of hell for me my family and my friends.

I tried to comitt suicide 2 times while on them. I kept getting worse instead of better. The anti-depressants put my mind in a fog, I was  walking, talking doing my daily activity, but I was dazed and confused(or at least I couldn't use my brain)It doesn't make sense, but you mind is in an altered state, just like street drugs when you take anti-deprassants.

I was on 12 different ones from welbutrin, paxil, depakote, effexor, atatavan and more. I would go for help and it didn't seem to get better. One day Our Lives changed, I couldn't take life any longer. I cut my wrists bad.  Then was perscribed different meds, and 4 months later put a 22 pistol to my head and pulled the trigger. I was commited for a stay in the mental hospital and again was told "NEVER STOP TAKING MY MEDS FOR ANY REASON"

I couldn't even work, I was so tired and depressed and in a worse fog than I had ever been in. So my husband and I decided I needed to stop taking my meds, we through them in the garbage. It took about almost 2 years for the effects to leave my body completly, but I am happy to say I now can and do use my brain.

We would talk to the dr. and he would explain symptoms away as my bodys way of shutting down to stop an overload. He assured us the "Drugs were   safe"

Now I live with side effects of these DRUGS that are no better than illegal street drugs.

Like memory lose, not just normal memory lose, weeks and days at a time of when I was on meds. Prescious time I will never get back.

I hugh scar on my head from surgery from the shot, and a family trying to forgot that there mom and wife tore their lives to pieces.

I tried to get an attorney to help me and others out there to get the drug companies shut down. "HA-HA"

The attroneys told me that "because I didn't DIE there was nothing they could do for me, there was to many other familys out there that loved ones did die that need more help than I did. That's ok That is why if you take meds, please please please, make sure you and your family are always aware of mood changes or anything out of the ordinary. I believe that the drug compaines want every person in america on drugs of any kind, That should not happen.

That was in 2002 and I am so much better now, not taking any drugs at all. I had the courage to stand up and say enough is enough. My children and husband with through "hell" with me and they didn't give up on me.

One of the Phsycs. I had said in her notes about me that I would try again because I was lookin for some kind of "happy pill."

"A Big fat Screw U to Her" I beat what doctor's don't want to hear. And in my opinion  and that is I need a pill. They love to hear that. I think they must get a kick back on all the meds they subscribe. "That's My Opinion"

"I HATE ANTI-DEPRESSANTS

Yes, I'm not sleeping enough. Yes, I'm tired. Yes, I continue to drink coffee and sodas to help wake me up and I can actually feel the 'high of the caffeine' leave my body and grab for another caffeinated drink.  That is probably the reason why I'm so dazed and my memory is in the shitter. I can't seem to remember anything these days and it's irritating Randy so much. I'm not sure how to tell him that my memory consists of 1. When the boys last ate. 2. What activity is next on our schedule (ie: bath, nap time, park..etc) 3. When the last time I ate was. 4. Where the bathroom is. 5. What my children names are.

It's forkin silly how much I can't remember these days. I asked my doctor about it and he said. *again* "Kara, you are a healthy 33 year old woman. Try not to worry so much about everything and you'll be fine. *sigh*

now...what was I going to write about.....

kewl such days are nice but, pretty much fine for me just settle things first before i recognized myself in a boring situation! i kno that christmas is nearing and still dunno how to celebrate the occasion because our fam is not complete, tho last years' celebration was such a fine thing 'cause we try to comfort ourselves at ease.

they braced all the decors around.... from the old, tiny little x'mas tree, those funny little balls, garlands, lights and so on. i dunno what they really think of! but for sure, nothings wrong wit 'em wala lang talang magawa!

funny but that's tru. even my li'l cat didn't think what's the reason!

i think, it's going to be fine... just last month, it's really surprising that they already put up the decors in the haus, to feel the essence worth while.dare it seems, nice to see such an early preparations (i think!) but i'm not used to feel, anyways i do love the season... yeah it's an absolute feeling!