We held a family meeting last where I faced my father for the first time since blowing the top of the bottle the week previous. I was terrified but strong, I was scared but willing, I was furious but calm. I presented my case like an adult. As he stared into my eyes and said in front of everyone "I didn't do it". I felt sympathy for him. How ashamed he must feel. I blew back with one thing my father always taught me growing up - "Do not under any circumstances LIE". I have held faithful to that moral. I was baffeled that he was being such a hypocrite last night. How dare he look me right in the eye and call ME a liar! 45 minutes later he admitted it. He told the truth. The truth sets you free.

Where does that leave me today? The first day of emotional freedom from the secret I have held inside for fourteen years. Stronger! I haven't decided what to do as far as my father. I do care about him very much, I do love him, and I do know he's beating himself up mentally. However, he dug his own grave and he must lie in it. Perhaps I am bitter. For fourteen years I hide this secret so well. For fourteen years he was nice to me on his terms. For fourteen years he critisized me. Last night, for the first time in fourteen years I told him in raw emotion and truth - how I felt. It felt fucking good!

My marriage on the other hand is teetering on the line of together | divorce. My husband is an alcoholic. He is mentally abusive and manipulative. He is addicted to perscription sleeping pills and anti-depressents. And in his own little world he believes - he doesn't have a problem.

I think he believes I am going to hold my hand on my ass while I wait another ten years for him to change. But in reality - I have already discovered I can be self succificient. I do NOT have to live like this. I have given chances - all too many.

This week's latest events included:

Thursday - He stole tip money from my apron to secretly buy four 40 oz Steel (high alcohol) beers. He hid them outside until I left for work. Upon arriving home he was drunk.... while watching our children.

Friday - I gave him $6.00 to go to the store to buy ciggerates. He game home with a cheap pack and no change. DUH! Yet again, I left for work and came home - he was drunk...while watching our children.

Saturday - I refused to purchase him beer at the store. He threw an adult temper tantrum until I was so embarrased I did just to shut him up. I bought the twelve pack at 6pm, it was gone by 9pm when I got back from the "family meeting". He was drunk ... again. Thanks for the loving support hunny!

Sunday - He manipulated me again! I am a full time online college student. I juggle a full time job, three children, and full time college work. I NEEDED to do school work tonight. He pushed all my buttons purposely and as hard as I tried to ignore him he wouldn't shut up. He sat right here next to me purposefully interupting me while I tried to think. I let him go buy ONE beer. He purchased a 40 oz, with the highest alcohol content. An hour later he took two perscription sleeping pills and took two of my Xanax even though I hid them! He couldn't even stand up straight, but he managed to mumble out "Can I borrow $2.00 till I get paid?". He actually wanted to drive to the store in his condition! He already has two DWI's on his record. By the way - "till he gets paid" - he thinks is funny. I work, he doesn't.

I asked him tonight before he bought the beer:
Mia: What's more import DH! Beer or your family?
DH: Both.

As Mayor of Vancouver I would like to roll back taxes for  homeowners and businesses by 2%. This can be achieved by doing the following:

· decriminalizing heroin, cocaine and marijuana

· decriminalizing and employing drug addicts and ex-convicts

· building places for people to live

· legalising sex trade workers

Some of you may be wondering how this can be done. If you are a good bookkeeper it is easy to see that putting people in jail costs money. Just how much do you think it costs to put one person in jai for a year? Do think it costs: $10,000; $25,000; $100,000; or $250,000. If you answered correctly you would have chosen D, $250,000. This does not even include police time and wages, pre-trial centers, nor court and judicial costs.  Exorbitant expenses like this could be much better used in constructing residences for destitute and marginalized citizens. 3,000 to 10,000 homeless are estimated to be living in the Vancouver area. If you multiply the median of these estimates, 6500, by $250,000 you get a handsome figure of: $1 billion, 625 thousand. Now we may not keep a homeless person in jail for a year, but if he stole a car or robbed a grocery store we might consider it.

Drug addicts need safe places to shoot up. As hospitals show by example, it is very important to have sanitary conditions when treating patients. Local clinics also aim to create a safe place for users. Likewise a user needs hygienic conditions to treat him or herself. This is often not possible on dirty city streets.  Street worker also need safe places to work indoors and clean places to live. This is a much more positive alternative to criminalizing and jailing people.  It could help prevent situations we encountered with the Pickton farm incidents. In recent years the news told us that 60 or more women, many of whom were prostitutes, disappeared from the streets of Vancouver. Many of these women were reported missing by their friends and families yet the police did nothing. This reminds me of Nazi Germany where people who didn't fit into society's norm where taken to courts and jails and later tortured and killed in the gas chambers. How many of those Jews who went to their deaths would speak up today for those women?

From The City Of Vancouver/May 2008/ City News "taxes well need to increase by 2.3 per cent to bring the budge back to normal levels.

What do you want your taxes increase or decrease? You'll the VOTER!

Like a blind date, I just got introduced to my newest love affair - Melitta.

Even though I have been a coffee addict since 5yrs of age, I have never heard of such a wonderful way to make coffee.

Melitta is simple. Straight to the point. The little plastic cone can fit a whole pot or just a cup (for those mornings you wake up REALLY lat). Heat water, pour, and slurp. Satisfaction...ahhhhh.

I gotta thank my dog pal Rufus. He set us two up! :)

How many pots of coffee do you make a day? I often find myself starring at my empty pot, thinking I need to make a new one. For me, coffee making is on autopilot. It's brewing at 5am, 10am, 12, 1, all the way through to 10pm at night.

When nurses ask "Do you drink coffee?" Yes.

"How much?" 40 cups.

I am an addict.  But can I call it a "disease" instead?

Gary Dourdan (from the plain ol' CSI) He kinda looks like a crack addict to me. Lo and behold one of the times he was arrested it was for....crack. Even so, he particularly is not my pipe of choice.

However, one promising character from CSI: Miami caught my eye.

His name is Erik Delko, or if you'd rather fantasize about him outside of his character on the show, his real name is Adam Rodriguez.

Now y'all know I fancy a good Latino papi, (this guy happens to be Puerto Rican & Cuban- yum)  but I just cant figure out if he's cute or not.

I think its around his chin area.

I like this one

I dunno about this one

I like this one

I dunno about this one.

No wait- that's Wilmer Valderrama. (Btw, whats his deal? Is he Spanish or Indian?)

But certainly next to the rest of the males on the cast;

,

,

and this guy,

they pale in comparison.

But I'm still confused.

Is he cute?

Maybe it's the shirt that's throwing me off.

Hola.

I just can't figure it out.

Help.

Love,

*Ms. Officer

And like the addicts, Wall street expects to be catered to because they are so important-more important than the ordinary guy. Their inflated sense of self is so distorted that in no way does it occur to them to simply humble themselves and perhaps broadcast a few public service announcements acknowledging they made some mistakes that hurt America. And now they are seeking the forgiveness and help of the American people.

I doubt it will happen because to Wall street and addicts, the problem is never about them...its everybody else......that means you and me.

Addicts are notorious for making impulsive, grandiose decisions and then crying foul when they are in trouble. And most addicts have someone to enable them,  that promises this is the last time they will help. And they clear up the mess for the addict, not allowing them to suffer the consequences in any way or recognize they created this mess, so figure a way out. No, the families and friends of the addict take on all the feelings of shame, embarassment, and disappointment while the addict professes bullshit. To me, this is exactly what is happening with the Government and Wallstreet.

The Feds, the enabler will bail out the addict, Wall street. The rest of us feel the impact of their behavior and they go on to fuck something else up. Now if they were in rehab, AA, or Alanon. The Feds would "detach with love." They would let Wallstreet "hit bottom" and get help. And do what it takes to own up to the mess they've created and humble themselves to make an amends to us the American citizens. And part of that amends would be repaying back whatever they owe.

But I don't expect humility or any amends coming from Wall Street. They will sleep well knowing they owe nothing and have stashed away millions. And then, like addicts, they will tell everyone they will change and do the same thing over again. While this is happening, social service agencies will be expected to write lengthy tedious proposals and hold fundraisers to collect money to run their organization

Hey why couldn't Wall Steet use their savy selling skills to raise money to pay us all back for bailing them out? For instance, instead of bundling mortgages for sale, what about bundling raffle tickets for various fundraisers? Just don't sell them at deep discounts.

Charly was not really the blame, at least not by himself. He was killing himself too. You can always blame the "Pusher Man" (remember that old song?), or you can blame the drug itself. You can even blame genetics if it makes you feel better, after all it is a disease. You can blame your wife, your life, your job or your God. It really comes down to choice. Blame the choice, and that is all.

Not being an actual addict, you would think I could not possibly understand. Oh how wrong. I have lived with it in my life for 35 years. I have watched it change from a "softer" drug to the hardest possible. I have helplessly watched those choices change. I have watched the man himself change, slowly morphing into someone else, with only occasional traces of the original guy left.

I watched it, fought it, despised it, and cried over it. I intervened. It worked for a very short time. Then along came relapse, an ugly monster. I was no match for any of this and I knew it. I was tired.

Away, he went. I sent him away from me. Out of my face. I cannot watch it anymore, cannot live with it in my face anymore. For some years I was told , "You hold the key." When I used the key, I was told, "you can't bail out now." "Oh watch me," I cry, "just watch me." ...... "But it is a disease, he needs your support....." "Where was my support for 35 years?", I cry.

I enjoy the quiet, enjoy the air smelling sweeter. I take back my home and hang new curtains, change something, anything. I feel more relaxed. I write and then write some more. I find something inside of me awakening, almost blossoming. No, not mid-life crisis, just.........possibilities. That is it. Hope. I feel giddy sometimes with hope and possibilities for my future. I also feel selfish, but know that is the demon side of his addiction. It is not my addiction, though I played a role. Now I have stepped out of my designated role. That is what my best friend told me. She is right.

When I see him, he looks sick. He looks like crap. I feel sad for him, so very sad that he has wasted his life. I feel sad that his possibilities are squashed, like a bug, by The Choice. My heart wrenches some, but my heart does not have too many wrenches left in it. A heart can actually become "wrenched out", so to speak.

A good captain goes down with his ship. I am not a captain and he is not my ship, but captain of his own ship. I do not hold the "Key", at least not for him. Only for myself. He holds his own "Key". Now it remains to be seen what he chooses to do with that "Key".

I saw Heroin Charly yesterday. I tried not to look at him, but he approached me. In his hand, he held a long stemmed pink rose that he had picked from someone's yard. He reached out his hand and offered me the rose. I hesitated, and then took the rose. Charly said, "Be careful, watch out for the thorns." His eyes were full of meaning. Maybe it was guilt, or sadness, or understanding, after all he did not ask to be an addict either. I looked at him square in the eye and said, "Thank you Charly, I always watch out for Thorns." I took the rose and turned and walked away. I deserved that rose. I am, after all, a Heroin Widow.

The other thing that happened is I immediately began to fixate on this space and let go of the offline journal I had only just begun to keep. I began playing with design and theme neglecting other actually important projects. I may not drink booze or do drugs or entertain p*rn but I absolutley have an addictive personality. Bak when a lot of people used to follow my blogs and the comments and good will rolled in. But as an addict I have no doubt worn out a good deal of that good will.

So there's the art blog and there's my off line journal. There's this place if I think I need to put something out there into the ether world for whatever reason. The problem is that I seem to write truer when there is the possibility of someone else reading it. That is dumbass stupid and I probably need to overcome that by pushing into the offline journals and my art.

There's this horrendous ache inside of me that says I can't do this anymore. Like a little child on the far side of the playground who says, please, I want to play with you but I don't want to hurt or be hurt.

I promised I wouldn't delete this or move and I won't. I didn't promise anything else.

I am at the dust on the snowflake at the tip of this iceberg; new to the language of recovery, I have far to go, however, this journey, on its worst day, is better than my best day as an active addict.  The blessing is the community of AA fellowship that exists to further my sobriety, and of many, many others.  I'm looking forward to the day when I can give to people what is being so freely and generously given to me.

The band has had quite the summer!  They continue to stay busy, but I wanted to make sure all you fannies stayed updated.  Mostly the band is muddy.  Very muddy.  And moldy.  Extremely moldy.  They've BASICALLY spent the summer in a car.  Jill's magnificent, bass accessable car.  Traveling this way and that.  They've journeyed a long way in hopes they could quench the bluegrass thirst that has consumed them.  [I stand as a witness that that is never going to happen.  They're addicted.  Really.  They need help.] 

Each time they find themselves wandering back home to gather a little more fundage for the next go around, they spout off names of all the friends they've made along the way.  Since they're busy galavanting, I'll make sure to tell all you bluegrass joes that they've met 'thanks!'  You keep them sane ... or insane.  Whichever you prefer.  They've spent days and days playing through rain, trudging through the mud and that poor tent of theirs is never going to recover.  All in the name of bluegrass and to please every other devoted bluegrass addict. 

So thanks for loving them, their music and the core of all that is (meaning bluegrass).  They love you all.  I think.  I'm pretty sure.  No one would put up with all that mud if they didn't love you.  Or the music.  They love the music too.

Naalala ko pa na kahit mga kuya kong maton, napapatiklop ko ‘pag talagang nagagalit na ako dahil hindi ako makapanood. Nung grade 3 naman ako, pinaghahanap ako minsan nina Manang Juling at Bestfriend, hindi pa kasi ako kumakain at umuuwi gayong mga 9pm na noon. Iyon pala ay nakikinood ako ng TV sa kapit-bahay namin. Madali lang naman ako Makita eh meron akong watching position.

Dahil din siguro sa kapapanood ko may alam na akong mga mature topics. Nakakapanood na rin kaya ako ng "Melrose Place" at "Baywatch" noong grade 3 ako. Tas siempre damay pa diyan iyong kailangan ko munang manood ng news bago ‘yong primetime programs. Kaya nga noong mga panahon na ‘yon ang katiska ko na ay iyong kapitbahay naming na Magna Cum Laude (masabi lang no!? hahaha).

Noong high school kung ‘di ko tinatakasan ‘yong service namin, ay nagpapagabi ako ng uwi. Nakikinood pa kasi ako sa mga kaklase ko. Kasi kung uuwi ako kaagad hindi ko maabutan ‘yong pinapanood kong anime. Tas iyon na nga, dahil sa isang palabas nag-cutting ako sa klase, nagbiyahe pa sa Maynila mula QC, humahangos palagi para makauwi at siempre nagpupuyat ng todong-todo. May time pa nga na wala akong social life dahil mas gusto kong kaharap ang TV kaysa tao.

Teka, kailan nga ba ako nawalan ng gana manood ng TV. Sa pagkaka-alala ko, nagsimula iyon nung maging ratings conscious ang dalawang istasyon. Kasi dati kung magpaparinigan sila, minsan lang sa isang araw eh na-addict ata , pataasan na ng ere per gap. Malaking factor din na busy ako sa work.

Siguro in a way naging healthy naman ang naging bunga noon, kaso parang nakakaumay, daig pa ang commercial. Magkagayon man, nagamit ko naman ang pagiging addict ko sa TV sa maraming pagkakataon sa aking karera.

Basta for me, pagdating sa entertainment and acting, mas magaling ang Kapamilya and kung news, special effects (telefantasya), creative gimmicks doon naman mahusay ang Kapuso.

Whether, nag-mature na ba ako o naiiba na ang hilig ko, malaking ginhawa talaga na hindi na ako ganun ka babad sa TV (naku aayon malamang si Manang Juling dito hahaha). Marami pang bagay akong nagagawa na mas nakakaaliw at kapaki-pakinabang.

My name is Diane and I am a Sarah Palin Addict.  I am addicted to news, video clips, blogs and polls exposing the absurdity of Sarah Palin as a person and politician.  This addiction has begun to affect both my professional and personal life.  My job is at risk, my productivity has suffered, my focus is gone, my energy is tapped.  A blog that was intended to motivate me to write has is now exclusively dedicated to my personal hatred of Sarah Palin and her annoying voice.  Last night my partner begged me, "no more about Sarah Palin, Please!" Clearly, I need help.

I have resolved that the 12-step program is the only way to overcome this addiction and move forward in my life.  I have to believe life can be fulfulling, and even meaningful, without a daily dose of Jon Stewart on Sarah Palin, or re-watching Tina Fey as Sarah Palin, or cheering again for Charlie Gibson's "Bush Doctrine" question.  I have to believe it.  So help me God, I can overcome this.

Step 1 - We admitted we were powerless over our addiction - that our lives have become unmanageable. 

Step 1 is the first step to freedom.  It is about admitting I have lost my power of choice.  Even as I commit myself to this program of recovery, I am planning to watch The Daily Show after her first debate with Joe Biden.  I am thinking to myself (with a maniacal laugh)... "no one will ever know."  My will power is non-existent.  I admit, I am out of control and I need help.

More tomorrow, I am exhausted by the effort.

With this in mind, they made their website and began attending the annual porn expo in Las Vegas, setting up a stall with one aim: to preach the gospel to porn stars and directors, and to help porn addicts be set free.

They are obviously very controversial, and are pretty edgy but as of yet I still haven't actually seen anything unbiblical so for the moment I'm promoting them with an open mind! Something that is certainly good is their accountability software, X3Watch, which sends a regular e-mail to your chosen accountability partner with a list of objectionable websites you have visited. There's a free version as well as a 'Pro' version, and there's also a link to the best web filtering software I've ever seen, Safe Eyes.

Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic! Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupus! One of those two doesn't sound right.

more Hedburg quotes

Mitch Hedburg, who died early because of his drug use, illustrates an idea central to the 12-step philosophy: Addiction is a "continuing and progressive illness...a disease from which there is no known cure."

Am I an addict?

I spent five years introducing myself several times a week like so, "Hello, my name is TinyNow and I am an addict."

Was I being truthful? I was certainly being honest. I abstained from all drugs because I thought, "One is too many, and a thousand is never enough."  From the NA literature that is read at the beginning of every meeting:

Very simply, an addict is a man or woman whose life is controlled by drugs. We are people in the grip of a continuing and progressive illness whose ends are always the same: jails, institutions, and death.

Grim, isn't it? But, like I wrote in an earlier post, I have begun to think that I am not powerless, that I am not an addict in the absolute sense.

This topic is particularly difficult to write about because:

1. I want to be truthful as well as honest. Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.
2. I don't want to be a hypocrite. What, you were an addict then and now suddenly you are not?
3. The truth is hidden in my genes. I believe the growing body of evidence that addiction is an inherited trait, and I am not sure that I've inherited it.
4. I don't want to help you rationalize. If any of you are asking yourselves whether you are addicts, or groping around for excuses to keep using, I don't want to be the one to supply them.

So...I'm not going answer the question. I might be an addict. I might not.

I can say this.

• I have been more productive these past ten days.
• The cravings I have do seem to come unbidden (as if I was in the grip of some kind of...shall we say...illness.)
• When I am drinking, I drink enough to increase my tolerance.
• I fucked up my life in the past by using too many drugs*.

*When I say drugs, I refer to alcohol as well.

Maybe I'll commit to defining myself tomorrow. In the meantime...

Day 8

I indulged in a bad habit. Television. What the hell, it was a Saturday. My girlfriend told me that her and her housemate had both decided to abstain from booze for one month! Am I going viral?

Day 9

I rode my bike up a very steep hill and helped build a little porch off my girlfriend's back door. We ate dinner with friends and I only eyeballed the wine glasses a few times. My girlfriend is on day 7, but her housemate is starting tomorrow

Day 10

That's today!

So far, so good.

Topic: Addiction, Friendship
Hosts: Milo Curtis, Dave Ambrose, Patty McCaulay

Episode Synopsis
In this podcast we explore what we mean by addiction and respond to some of the comments on the blog.  It was a lively discussion that I think will generate some thoughts and reactions from friends like you.  We'd love to hear your response!

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Download the Podcast: Episode 30: I'm not an addict...just compulsive

Hello Guys!!!I am Nadya,I`m a young teen girl who to have a good sence of hummor and like to dancing and sing;) And also I love to tease a men...hehe

When i am alone at home and feel naughty...i go here! :) To feel a sight of men...and to feel wetness between my legs...;)

"There must be the listening ear, as well as the still small voice." - God Calling

In the past when I needed help, I coped through addictions and tools in my emotional tool belt which no longer were appropriate.  It helped me to escape, avoid reality and manipulate people.  Now that I have greater, healthier options, I have begun to act differently.  How can anyone do the same?

Well, practice makes perfect; I practice asking for help.  We can all start by staying aware of where we are vulnerable.  Prying shame from its grip on our self-esteem helps too.  We can know that we do not have to live by different rules than other people; we don't have to be separate and isolated.  We don't have to be perfect, only real and authentic.  Asking for help is O.K.

The Universe or one's own Higher Power will provide all that is needed, and provide all the answers beyond what any human being could possible offer.  When we feel unable to reach out to others, even if we may want to, we can take a risk and turn to the Universe.  Turning to our previous unhealthy ways or to an addiction never solves anything; turning to the Universe or Higher Power will.

"Now, let the weeping cease; let no one mourn again.  For the love of God will bring you peace.  There is no end."   -- Sophocles

When I look back on my life, I sometimes feel again the pain of how things used to be; the pain of a life once led.  But I know that my life doesn't ever have to be as difficult and "dramastic" (my word for "fantastically dramatic") as it once was.  My life never has to be as out of control, as unmanageable or as terrifying.  It simply isn't necessary for my addictions to haunt me at every turn.  Time has in fact moved on, as it must.  The past is over, I accept my relationships as they are and I've begun to know real safety.

Maybe I'd have to completely bale altogether from my recovery plan and path toward personal growth for quite some time before I'd go back completely to the way I acted and lived before.  I may slip today, or some future date; I make no promises of perfection.  I can never let myself forget however, that as an addict; I am one decision - one bad choice, away from using or acting out.  But that is very different from going back to the beginning, before my new life.  Each day I choose not to stray from the path I am now on, my heart is strengthened so that I no longer want to go back.

Through this blog, I wish to share with my readers to live life "one day at a time" whether you're in a 12 step program of recovery or not.  If you read my earlier blogs, you'll come to know that I'm not, though I am part of a recovery group (SMART Recovery).  Finally, trust, as I do, that you have all the time you need.